Friday, November 7, 2008

Somebody take the cake away from the fat kid

I have exploded over the past few weeks. I have gone from cute and pregnant to “Can somebody please help me get dressed in the morning because I can’t get my pants on.” And the funny thing is, I’ve been put on “bed rest” because my uterus is measuring small. My doctor is worried that Goose isn’t growing at the rate that he’s supposed to. Which, frankly, I think is crazy. I mean look at me! She wants me to focus all of my energy on the baby instead of work, which I told her was completely ridiculous and impossible. I had to remind her that I work at Dell. So, I’ve agreed to work from home for the next four weeks. But not in bed. I have an ultrasound next week to check on him, so I’ll keep everyone updated.

Please do not show up at my house unannounced. It might be days since I’ve had a shower, and I wouldn’t want you to see me in that condition. It could get scary.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Hump Day with Papa PMB: Eviction Notice

As I was watching the election last night, it occurred to me that our nation has a few too many "Blue States." Here are a few that we could evict until they get their act together.

1. New Mexico – I don’t really care for Old Mexico….why do we need a new one?
2. Delaware – Seriously. Have you ever met anyone from Delaware?
3. Vermont – I could live without maple syrup. And if I ever had the urge to punch a teva-wearing tree-hugger in the face, I could just go down the street to Whole Foods.
4. South Dakota – Is there any reason we have two Dakota’s?
5. New Jersey – Have you seen the commercials for “Cash 4 Gold”? Everyone on that commercial is from New Jersey. “I sent my wedding band in from my fourth marriage and got $400!!”
6. New York – Electing Hillary Clinton to the Senate should have been the last straw.
7. Rhode Island – If they get 4 electoral votes, my back yard should get 3.

Question of the Week:

Why in the world is Arkansas voting on anything to do with homosexuality? Do any gay people actually live in Arkansas? Shouldn’t they be more concerned with incest?

Monday, November 3, 2008

Helen Thatcher Thompson Beaty

Helen and James had a beautiful little girl this morning! Thatcher was born at 2:30am - 8.0 lbs, 21.5 inches.

Helen went through four straight days of intense prodromal labor (I'm going to have to look that one up). At 11pm on Sunday night, the real deal kicked in, the midwives came over, and she was born 3.5 hours later. James already wins husband of the year...he woke up this morning after they slept for a few hours and made pancakes!

Only 5 more weeks until baby #2 arrives!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Hump Day with Papa PMB

What I have learned during my wife’s 1st pregnancy (Part 1)

1. Lately when we hug, we look like two 5th graders slow dancing.

2. If my child comes out with bright red hair, a yellow jumpsuit, and huge feet, I would not be surprised at all. My wife has consumed 974 happy meals during her pregnancy.

Side note:
I don’t know if she wants our kid to have 974 toys that he can’t play with until he’s 3, per the manufacturer’s recommendation, or if she is secretly filming her own “Super Size Me”. Whatever the reason, 2.86 happy meals a day is pretty impressive.

3. Being pregnant has aged my wife about 50 years. She went from spin class and weights to senior citizen’s water aerobics twice a week.

4. I am hungry when my wife is hungry. Not before, not after, but at that exact moment.

5. My wife is more patient than I am. If that kid continuously kicked me in the ribs I would have hit him back by now.

6. If she sleeps…. we sleep.

7. If I had to go to the restroom that many times a day I would consider wearing a diaper.

8. All pregnant women should go see “Pineapple Express.” Mimi was laughing so hard that the people behind us thought she was high. They looked appalled when they realized she was pregnant.

9. My worth is based on the ice cream that I did or didn’t remember at McDonald’s.

10. “It’s not water aerobics. It’s water ballet. Get it right dumbass.”

Monday, October 27, 2008

Pet Peeves and Other Things that Annoy Me #3

Men's Navy Dockers

Your 2nd grade Sunday School class called. They want their pants back.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

A Post from Papa PMB

A few months ago my wife decided to make a list of 100 things that you didn’t know about her or something like that. So I have decided to respond to Mr. or Mrs. Anonymous by making my own list of facts, thoughts and some random questions. Most of us will find this amusing, not unlike the email I sent to my wife back in 2004. Others will go get a book written by a Democrat and use it to seem intelligent. I don’t care. I don’t usually listen to anyone that is fanatical about any subject because they can’t and won’t see the other side of the argument. But here are 50 things I want to say. To my Democratic friends - don’t take this too seriously. You know I love you both. Now to the list…

1. College professors were Democrats before they were college professors. It’s a dream job for any liberal….a little work for decent pay. And I quote, “People that can’t do, teach.”
2. When did Socialist and Democrat become the same thing?
3. I wonder if the Democratic Media would overlook John McCain for having a cocaine habit.
4. If the presidential nominees switched parties, the Democrat media would not be able to stop talking about the lack of experience on the Republican side.
5. Does the City Alderman answer to the dog catcher? Will someone clear that up for me?
6. If we elect a Democrat to the White House, what is CNBC going to bitch about all day?
7. Democrats don’t like Obama either.
8. Most elections come down to one thing. If the economy is good, the incumbent party usually wins. If not, then you get a Democrat.
9. 8 years ago, Democrats didn’t like Democrats
10. 4 years ago, apparently they still didn’t.
11. President Bush did not fly either one of those planes into the Towers. I know you heard that from your highly educated college professor, but he lied.
12. Greed, not “W,” is the reason we are in the financial mess we are in right now.
13. Is it easier to get a Cole Haan or Birkenstock into your mouth?
14. I mean really, Cole Haans?
15. If I didn’t have a job I would vote Democrat too.
16. I make sure to get up every morning and work hard because I know that somewhere there is a Democrat signing someone else up for welfare…Someone’s got to pay for it.
17. Michael Moors sucks.
18. Democrats have no sense of humor.
19. Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish…wait…why would he show up when the Democrats are down the street giving fish away?
20. Seriously, ya’ll need to lighten up.
21. I know we are in a state of Crisis right now, but nothing is going to change because you put a Democrat in the White House. I would be willing to bet that it gets worse. Obama scares the hell out of people with money.
22. Does Obama really believe all the crap that comes out of his mouth?
23. Would you put your child in a car with someone that had never driven before?
24. Why don’t we start punishing the kids in school for making A’s? Damn them for working hard and trying to better themselves.
25. When you’re sitting around the coffee-shop bashing “W,” does it make you feel better about yourself?
26. If a Democrat had been elected in 2000, would that have made it all right to go to war?
27. To put out the fire it takes more than screaming at the water….think about it….
28. I hate hippies.
29. Are these two the best America has to offer? What about all those college professors that are so well educated?
30. Being lazy doesn’t entitle you to anything but getting a check from the government.
31. Cole Haans??? I stopped wearing those months ago, along with my braided belt, tight rolled Guess Jeans, and Ray Bans. Hold on a sec…I forgot to lock my BMW.
32. “W” the movie must really suck. Democrats don’t even like it.
33. My child’s initials could possibly be GWB. I think we should call him “W.”
34. I take that back. The kids at school would blame him for everything.
35. I wish everyone still gave the President respect. Not because they agree with him, but because he is the President. Those were the days, or so I’m told.
36. I wish there was a TV channel that was not bias one way or the other. I just want the facts. I don’t need your opinion.
37. Damn those smart kids. You know what we should do is give them more homework than the other kids and see if they can still keep up.
38. If you are ever in question about something, say it out load. Most of the time, if it sounds wrong, it is.
39. I hate politicians.
40. I am tired of Al Sharpton and his entire crew. Stop showing up, demanding things, jumping up and down and leaving right after the cameras are gone. You take the attention away from the problem and put it on yourself.
41. Obama will be the next president. My glass is half full. At least it’s not Hilary.
42. I’m not always right, but my wife is.
43. The only thing she doesn’t know is that she doesn’t know everything.
44. No really, if she doesn’t know the answer she makes it up.
45. I think that people forget why they support the party they choose to support. It’s all about winning, not what is best for the country.
46. Obama can’t be that smart. He is going to raise taxes on himself. No rational person would ever do that.
47. I wish Howard Dean had run again. “We’re gonna go to Texas, and Washington, and we’re gonna go to Ohio………YEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!”
48. Did that guy end up killing a bunch of people? He seemed a little crazy.
49. I love that we can agree to disagree.
50. I can’t get over the Cole Hans. Really? Cole Hans?

By the way I don’t have an editor or the time to proofread, so don’t send in your comments about my grammar or spelling. Save them. They would only fall on deaf ears.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

So, I lied...What's the big deal?

My recent conversation with Mrs. Republican-of-the-Year isn’t the only political post you’ll see here at PMB. This one was too good not to pull out of the vault. The day after the election in 2004, I received this list from Will in my email. And considering that this year’s election is FAR more interesting and controversial than Bush and Kerry, I can only expect to see great things from Will on November 4, 2008.

Reasons why John Kerry lost the election (and a few questions):

1. California and New York only get 86 combined electoral votes (thank God)
2. In Kerry's last flip-flop before the election, he decided to support Bush
3. He's a DEMOCRAT
4. The American public is smarter than I thought (this does not include anyone over the Mason-Dixon line or in California)

Question #1
If John Kerry poops in Ohio does George Bush still wear a cowboy hat?

5. P-Diddy forgot to tell everyone that election day was Nov. 2nd
6. Not enough hippies in Austin to win Texas for Kerry

Question #2
If you wait two weeks to lose do you still lose?

7. His major supporters were Ben Affleck and Roger Moore (Lord, those guys suck)

Question #3
If you don't find any WMD's, but you find a bastard in a spider-hole, do you still win?

8. Refer to reason #3 once more
9. The Marketing Department @ Dell is only .0000000000000000001% of the population (again, we must thank God)
10. Marrying a billionaire doesn't qualify you for shit (except a good loan rate)
11. In a recent poll, people in Texas, Florida, and Ohio were found to be the most intelligent
12. A red-neck from Texas always kicks a Yankee's ass (The Civil War not included)

If you made a noose out of hemp, and hung Bill Clinton with it, would Republicans support the legalization of marijuana?

13. I'm giving all credit to the fine citizens of Mississippi, and their 6 electoral votes

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Pet Peeves and Other Things that Annoy Me #2

Vasectomy Reversal Billboards

I’m not sure if everyone has seen these or not. They may only be in Texas, specifically between Dallas, Austin, and Houston. If that’s the case, how did Texans get so damn lucky? If you haven’t seen at least one of these in your lifetime, you are greatly missing out.

I have a peeve for billboards in general, but this one tends to stand out amongst them all. Being in marketing, I realize that they do serve a purpose. I like to know that the next McDonald’s is 2.7 miles ahead on the right. It’s nice to find a Red Roof Inn with free cable AND a continental breakfast. And if I were a truck driver, I’d love to know that an all-you-can-eat steak restaurant is right around the corner, AND that they offer trucker parking and hot showers. I don’t even mind the “JESUS LOVES YOU” billboards. It’s always nice to hear that someone loves you, and when it’s Jesus…well, you just can’t get any better than that.

There are a few that I deem pointless. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t like alcohol billboards. Now, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a Coors Light every once in awhile, but I don’t drink it because of the billboard that I saw on the way to Texarkana last year. And it’s certainly not safe to see an ad for Bud light, pull over, and get a 40 for the road. Same goes for cigarettes. I’m not going to start smoking because the Marlboro man looked damn hot on the side of I-35, and I don’t think anyone hooked on smoking is going to change their brand because Joe Camel had a super compelling message.

But, a billboard for a Vasectomy Reversal? This one tops them all. I may be wrong, but I don’t think a reversal is an impulse buy. And is there a big market for this service? I want to know how many people are driving to Houston to visit their family, see the billboard, and think to themselves, now THAT is what I need. As soon as I get to mom’s house, I’m going to call them and make an appointment. This will be great…I can visit my family and reverse the vasectomy that I got a few years back and have regretted ever sense. And I know that this is what Jesus wants me to do, because he just told me he loved me 6 miles back. This will be a successful trip!

I feel sorry for all of the men out there need a vasectomy reversal and haven’t seen the billboards. How in the world are they going to know where to go??

Friday, October 10, 2008

From the Vault

I was looking through old emails and found this one from Will in August of 2004....a few months after we adopted Jack. A few months after the little monster entered our house, turned our world upside down, and made our lives a living hell. In the first month that we had him, Cooper's main goal was to Tonya Harding his ass. He didn't care that we brought home a dog with heartworms so bad that he was on tranquilizers. Cooper wanted him out and was going to do everything in his power to get his way. In a matter of weeks, we had a stack of vet bills over $2,000. The fighting was so bad that I was crying on a daily basis. A fight would break out and I would cry. Will threatened to get rid of him, and I would cry. Cooper would look at Jack wrong, and I would cry.

Eventually, we hired a pet psychiatrist to come in and tell us what to do. Just another few hundred dollars added to the stack. And it wasn't like this lady was telling me anything new. I had heard it all before.....from Will. Only, why would you want to listen to your husband when you can pay someone to tell you the same thing?

So, she told us some garbage about pack order, feeding time, and blah, blah, blah....and things slowly started to get a little better around here.

Well, one day while I was at work, I got a call from Will. He had taken Jack in the car with him on a few errands and was at the gas station. When he got out of the car to pump the gas, Jack hit the lock button and locked him out....with the car running. Later that afternoon, I received this email:

FOR SALE: One Jack Russell Terrier

This Dog is a charmer. He loves to run, so you will have to keep your doors and gates locked at all times. Another good thing about this dog is that he has heartworms (so you will need a steady job). In his spare time he loves to pick fights with larger dogs and piss on your furniture. I'm telling you that this dog is a keeper. But that's not all, because this morning I discovered a new talent. He is a master at locking a car door. He hasn't yet mastered the art of unlocking, but with a little time and effort I'm sure he could figure it out. I know what you are thinking...How much would a dog of this quality cost? Well today is your lucky day. Because I will actually pay you to come pick him up. My number is 1-800-IH8-DOGS.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The things we do for our kids...

As many of you know, I’m taking a water aerobics class. I was having such bad round ligament pain that I had to quit walking and take to the water. I’m the youngest in the class by at least 25 years. I’m the only one that doesn’t qualify for a discount at the movies or the early bird special at Luby’s. And it’s the only class I’ve ever been in where the instructor yells, “Ladies, don’t do this exercise if you’ve had a hip replacement!!” The first time I heard that, I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. And I didn’t even feel bad because that shit was funny! I don’t mind hanging out with the senior citizens twice a week because these women LOVE me! They get so excited when I come to class. For the most part, I love them too, except for this one old hag that thinks I’m “big.” Screw her.

Anyway, I’ve had a lot of people ask me what I wear to water ballet (I like to call it that, as though it’s an elite group and takes skill to perform in class). They act shocked, like they don’t think Mimi would wear a maternity swimsuit. And when I describe it, they laugh! Laugh…at ME! And I’m all, well, it’s cuter than it sounds. And they’re all, yeah, there’s no way that would be cute. So, ladies and gentlemen, here it is: The very cute and very stylish leopard print water ballet costume. Well, the top at least. I’m not about to show you the bottoms. They make granny-panties look sexy.

Monday, October 6, 2008

New Series: Pet Peeves and Other Things That Annoy Me

Pet Peeves and Other Things that Annoy Me #1: "My child does more extracurricular activities than your kid" Stickers

I really don’t care that Johnny plays the trumpet in the Round Rock marching band! But I’ll tell you who does. Every nasty pervert in the city. They now know that your cute little Sally is on the McNeil Middle School soccer team, and I’m sure it’s not hard to find out that they have practice at 3pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So, if I were you, I’d take that sticker off the back window of your minivan. Not only is it unsafe, it’s LAME.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

The first and last time I'll talk about politics on this blog

Over the past 7 months, Will and I have found ourselves sitting at home in front of the TV on most Friday nights. This is a huge departure from our lives prior to pregnancy. We’ve traded in Coors Light, late night Whataburger, and hangovers for reruns of Scrubs and Presidential debates. Yes, you heard right….We watched the debate last Friday. If something better was on TV, believe me, we would have been watching. But seeing as Obama and McCain took over EVERY SINGLE CHANNEL, we were forced to listen to them one-up each other who warned the House and Senate first on an issue and who has on the better bracelet given to them by a fallen soldier’s mother.

As soon as the debate ended, I received a phone call from Mrs. Republican of the Year:

Mrs ROY: Hey, did you just watch the debate?

Me: Yes, we actually did.

Mrs ROY: Okay, I need you to text in and vote that McCain won. I can’t text on my phone, so you need to text and vote. Can you text in?

Me: Ok.

Mrs ROY: So, what did you think?

Me: (Knowing that I was about to hear a loud scream on the other end of the line) I think Obama did better. He’s definitely a better public speaker.

Mrs ROY: WHHAAATTT???? Are you kidding me? You know better than to say that!

Me: Sorry, but I think he did a good job.

Mrs ROY: You CANNOT go to work tomorrow and tell everyone that Obama won!!!!

Me: First of all, tomorrow is Saturday, so I’m not going to work.

Mrs ROY: (laughing hysterically) That’s right! HAHAHA!! That is HIL-ARIOUS!

Me: Secondly, my friends and I don’t sit around and discuss politics at the office. We discuss more important things, like cute boys, where we went shopping over the weekend, and who we saw out downtown doing something completely inappropriate.

Mrs ROY: Anyway, you need to text Fox News and vote that McCain won…I can’t text on my phone so you need to text them right now.

Me: Why Fox news? Shouldn't we be texting into a station that isn't primarily Republican?

Mrs ROY: Well, what are you watching?


Mrs ROY: WHAATTT?? Why are you watching NBC? That station is LIBERAL!

Me: Calm down. In case you didn't notice, NBC showed the exact same debate that FOX showed.

Mrs ROY: Well, you need to text into FOX. You promise you’ll text them?

Me: YES! I’ll do it right now.

Mrs ROY: Okay, bye!

Less than 30 seconds later, the phone rings….

Mrs ROY: Hey, did you text? Did you text in your vote for McCain?

Me: YES LADY! I just texted.

Mrs ROY: Good. So, we went to lunch today on the square, and there were 2 lunch specials, the McCain and the Obama. Of course I ordered the McCain, but you know what I said?

Me: What did you say? I’m just dying to know.

Mrs. ROY: I said that the Obama sandwich should be a big sausage on a bun. GET IT? BULLSHIT ON A BUN?

Me: Uh, no…. I don’t get it. Mom, are you drunk?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Goose has been in the oven for 29 weeks!

This past weekend, I went to visit Helen before little Peanut arrived. It was the last weekend I could fly and I wouldn't get to see her again until New Years. She only has 5 weeks to go!

I'm sure my parents are a little overwhelmed with pregnancy talk. It was the topic of conversation for the entire 80 hours that I was home. It was even worse when my friends from college came over on Saturday night for dinner....3 pregos and 3 non-pregos at dinner makes for an interesting conversation, and a large quantity of cupcake consumption!

What happened to the days of the large quantities of wine being consumed at the get-togethers with the Webb's? Or better yet, kegs of beer. The days when dad had to make us all hold hands in a circle and apologize to Dita because she's a damn democrat? The days of turning in our keys so no one would drive, and then wondering how in the hell Betsy ended up on Beale Street? The days of double decker buses and finding an open bed in the neighbors house to sleep in?

Oh yeah, we grew up.

Monday, September 15, 2008

It's official...

I’m pregnant. Not that I haven’t been pregnant for the past 6 months, but now I FEEL pregnant. I’m finally feeling the “joys” of pregnancy, which by the way, is complete bullshit.

I get asked how I feel about 23 times a day. And for the past 6 months, my answer has been “Great! I feel Great!” And I’m 100 percent sincere when I say it, because I did feel great….like hugs and kisses, chocolate cake, and pretty little ponies. NOT ANYMORE. So now when you ask me how I feel, I’m still going to say “GREAT!” Just know that I’m lying. I’d rather not tell you the truth, unless that’s what you really want to hear. And then I’ll tell you this:

I’m in pain. I have a knee or elbow or fist stuck in my upper ribs, right below my boob. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I try to move him but have no luck. It’s now sore to the touch. And my boobs are huge. H.U.G.E. And don’t tell me “just wait until your milk comes in!” I don’t want to hear it. If they get any bigger than they currently are, I’ll die. Literally. Or I’ll ask you to shoot me, and then you’d get in trouble and I’d feel bad. I’m taking prenatal vitamins that taste like I’m swallowing a spoonful of rotten fish, and iron pills that make you constipated...a feeling that I’d only wish on my worst enemy. I’m bleeding from places that you aren’t supposed to bleed from at this age, and I’m swollen in places that aren’t supposed to be swollen, like a little fat girl. I’m too young to have these ailments. I get about 1 hour of decent sleep at a time, and then I’m up with weird pains that you can’t quite describe. Is a baby about to pop out of my belly button, or do I just have to pee? So I get up and pee, AGAIN. Then sleep for another hour, and repeat. Oh, and did I tell you that my back is hurting so bad that I’ve resorted to seeing a strip-mall doctor to realign it? Yep, a fruity little guy in a strip mall with a weird eye.

So, I’ll spare you the earful and just say “GREAT” next time you ask, with a big fat smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye. How’s that for sugarcoating?

Friday, September 5, 2008

It's Friday, and that can only mean one thing....



Fifty five days left
Two hours is a long time
Damn you Steve Wheeler


I’m still on day one
This challenge is for the birds
Makes me want to cuss

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

60 Day Challenge

Last weekend, we went to San Antonio with the Wheelers. And in true Steve fashion, he’s decided to challenge himself by doing something ridiculous for a ridiculous amount of time. He’s even convinced his wife that she needs to join in on the ridiculous fun . And for some reason, Will and I decided to participate. I’m just glad that Steve’s already done with his vegetarian phase. I was not about to challenge myself to that. Every once in awhile, a girl needs a filet…..or a beef burrito from Taco Bell.

Steve is running 2 miles a day for 60 straight days. Tara has given up coffee. Neither one of those sounds like any fun. Will has decided to participate in a physical activity for 2 hours a day. Um, NO THANKS! That just sounds miserable.

So, I’ve decided to quit cussing for 60 days. Now, THAT is what I call a challenge! I figure that with a baby on the way, I should probably cut down on the inappropriate words that somehow just seem to fly out of my mouth. I started the challenge yesterday and made it until 6pm….then all of a sudden, something inappropriate came out, and I followed it up with another inappropriate word because I was so mad at the first inappropriate word. And so, the challenge starts over, and today is Day 1…again. I think I have a long road ahead of me.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Before & After: The Loo

As expected, we didn’t have money left over in the budget to purchase toilets that warm and clean your ass, but I think we got the next best thing: Comfort-fit toilets….who knew there was such a thing! Personally, I don’t like to sit on the toilet long enough to find out if it’s comfortable, but I know some of you do. Wheeler – You should definitely look into these.

The house started out with two full bathrooms. A better description would probably be one bathroom that we could use, and a second that was a waste of space with a shower that looked like the one in your Uncle Billy's RV. Now we have three full bathrooms. All brand new, thoughtfully planned out, and comfortable!

Master Bathroom

I don't seem to have any before pictures of this one. So just picture UGLY.


Hall Bathroom


Upstairs Bathroom



Monday, August 18, 2008

Oh, The Places He'll Go

So far this year, Goose has gotten to go to the Masters to see Tiger and Phil, and Fenway Park to see Big Papi and A-Rod. If you ask me, Will and I planned this well. Two tickets to these events is definitely better than paying for three! Next up….2nd row to see the Counting Crows (one of his dad’s all-time favorites) and Maroon 5 (he’ll get to see his mom drool over Adam Levine)!

This kid better not complain that he never got to do anything fun in life!

Friday, August 15, 2008


The number of pounds that I have gained since June. This is how I justify the mass quantities of pizza that I am eating, among other things.

*Disclaimer - Please do not worry about me. According to Nazi Doctor, I am FINE!

Thursday, August 14, 2008


The number of days in a row that I've eaten pizza for lunch at work. It seems to be working for me. Why change a good thing, right?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008


The number of times I went to the bathroom yesterday. Oh, the joys of pregnancy.

Monday, August 11, 2008

That's what friends are for...

There are duties that come along with being a friend. I'm there to listen to you, support you in your life, and be there when you need a shoulder to cry on. If you are wearing something terrible, I’m going to tell you. If you ask my opinion about your hair, you are going to hear the truth. And if you need help keeping up with the latest hip-hop music, it’s my job to keep you informed.

I don’t see Kate as often as I’d like (please don’t pay any attention to the political crap on her page), but I still feel that I need to be responsible for keeping her hip. For keeping her up to date and down with the latest on the streets. That’s how I roll. So, I was quite disappointed when I saw that she was still listening to 'Flo-Rida' and referred to it as her “current favorite catchy song.” I mean, that song is so 5 minutes ago. It’s out…gone…in the vault with J Lo’s velour jumpsuits.

So Kate, here's your NEW "favorite catchy song." It's actually current...popular RIGHT NOW...on the Top 8 at 8. Enjoy!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Sorry Lala!

My girls and I walked 10 miles on Saturday. We started at 7:30am, stopped half way and fueled up on snacks and Gatorade, and made the 5 mile trek back to the country club to eat lunch. The walk wasn’t bad until the very end when it started to get hot. And that’s when I think someone in particular started to lose her mind a bit.

Around mile 8, a guy on a recumbent bike rode by, waved, and said “hey ladies!” Lori immediately turned around and asked, “Do you think he’s a quadriplegic?”

Yeah Lori, he’s paralyzed from the neck down. That’s why he just rode past us, PEDALING A BIKE AND WAVING.

Monday, August 4, 2008


Now that we’ve confirmed that Goose is definitely a boy, I can start decorating. Here’s a picture of my inspiration. We’ll see if I stay on track. Anything is better than the current state of the room, which looks much like your local flea market without the turkey legs and Tecate.

I keep getting questions about the baby’s room, and I’m finding out that I’m starting to care way too late in the game. Apparently, I should have been obsessing about it a few months ago. I guess this is what new mothers do. Except for me. And the whole “nesting” thing is throwing me off. I don’t even understand what it means. I’m not a bird. I don’t even like birds unless they come on cute stationary. I had to have my MIL come over yesterday to help me clean out the baby room or else it probably wouldn’t have gotten done. I’m lacking in the motivation department, and I don’t think they sell it next to “new attitudes” at Banana Republic.

I don’t sound very thrilled about all of this, do I? Don’t get me wrong, I love being pregnant and I can’t wait until Goose arrives, but I’m not obsessing about it. Other people are obsessing about it for me. I’m not reading 6 books on pregnancy and 12 books on raising a child. I’m reading one. And in between chapters, I’m reading novels and memoirs and anything else I can get my hands on that doesn’t talk about preparing your nipples for breastfeeding and the consistency of poop in the first few weeks of life. I’m getting conflicting advice thrown at me in every direction, and to be honest, it goes in one ear and out the other. This may all come back to bite me in the ass in December, but I have a feeling it won’t. I’ll be doing it my way…which is the best way in my book!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

“…just a couple of saltwater drops down the cheek and a lump in my throat which tells me that the acknowledgement of the past being gone is quite a bitter pill to swallow.”

My list has prompted lots of emails and calls, and to my surprise, a little controversy. And now I have friends putting together their own lists. If you make one, you must send it. To me.

The list wasn’t hard, it was tough. But only because along the way, you come to realize who you are, who you’ve been in your life, and how much you’ve changed over the years. Or haven’t changed. I had to think back 31 years, and throughout all 100 items, and a few that I deleted along the way because I didn’t want my list to be a confessional, I was either laughing my ass off or crying. Yes, I cry a lot.

So, here’s a quick follow up to the items that received the most questions. B/c I know you are all dying to know just a little bit more!

15. I don’t tip at Sonic: This prompted a huge discussion last Friday night, and apparently I’m in the wrong. I don’t care. I’ll even admit that I was excited when they put in the credit card machine. An easier way for me NOT TO TIP!

18. I hate to cook: Yes, I despise cooking. I tried for the longest time to enjoy it, but you can’t force it. I can’t remember the last time I made a meal. It was probably over a year ago. It pays to marry the cook.

39. I don’t have my ears pierced: I’ve had my ears pierced 3 times. And every time, they grow back. The last time, my mother FORCED me to get them pierced for my wedding. I wore earrings that day, and haven’t put in a pair since. I know it’s weird and not very girly, but again, don't really care.

42. I got my belly button pierced during my senior trip to Florida: Apparently, my dad didn’t know about this one! Sorry dad! I figured that at some point during the last 13 years, you ran into an old photo album of mine in the house, with me lying in a nasty tattoo parlor in Panama City, Florida, letting a tat-covered freak stick a needle thru my navel. Kim Ashford let me do it. It’s all her fault.

44. I’ve seen Widespread Panic 9 times: WSP is a band. If you don’t know them, then more than likely, you wouldn’t like their “dope-smoking, hippie” music. Good ol’ college days!

49. I don’t wash my towels until they start to smell: Now, c’mon people! You all know that you do this. I guess I’m the only one that will admit it??

And now the sappy part…

65. I get the same feeling in my stomach today that I got 15 years ago when I think of Winterlight at Camp Kanuga in Hendersonville, NC: Throughout highschool and one year in college, I went to NC to an Episcopal youth conference, both in the winter and sometimes in the summer. This is probably the period in my life that I get the most emotional about. A few of the people that I went with, and a few that I met along the way are probably some of the truest friends that I’ve ever had. We did everything together. And for those that lived in other states, we wrote letters and called, and met up once or twice a year. And we always picked up right where we left off. This went on for 4 years and then we all went our separate ways. Now we are in Texas, California, Tennessee, North Carolina, and South Carolina. A few of us stayed in touch over the years, but now we are all back together because of the wonderful world wide web and this addictive thing called Facebook. We don’t talk all of the time like we used to. But just knowing where they are and how they are doing gives me a level of comfort, a smile on my face, and yes, the occasional lump in my throat.

Oh, and one more thing – yes, I love to drink milk with spaghetti. It’s not gross, it just reminds me of my childhood. We only had 2 choices at dinner - milk or water. A rule that will definitely be carried on at Burleson family dinners.

Monday, July 21, 2008

More than you'll ever need to know...

I’ve heard that it’s hard to list 100 things about yourself. Here’s my list. It wasn’t too bad, just time consuming. And if you can’t list 100 things about yourself, the person you know best, the person you are with 24/7, then you probably need to spice up your life a bit. A few of these are listed in my profile. The other 90 are brand-spanking new….hot off the press. And yes, I’m expecting some questions from the parents when they finish reading.

1. My real name is Elizabeth. I have never been called Elizabeth, except for this one weirdo in college.
2. I am a wife of 6 years and a soon-to-be soccer mom.
3. I live in a cute little house with a white picket fence. Literally.
4. I have 2 dogs that sleep in the bed with us. It’s gross, I know.
5. I am a wanna-be interior decorator. I’m scared to quit my job and go back to school for it.
6. I work at Dell with 75,000 other people. I’m 5 years in and still enjoy going to work, and that is what keeps me there.
7. I’m a product of routine. I do the same thing almost every day. I don’t like it when my routine gets off track.
8. I don’t have a favorite color. Or food. Or movie. Or song. Or book. Or restaurant. Does that say something about me?
9. I’m addicted to chapstick. I can’t get enough. I have never been addicted to anything else.
10. I knew that I wanted to marry my husband 1 month after dating him.
11. 6 months later, I moved in with his parents in Texas.
12. I never liked dogs until I had my own. I’m not a huge fan of other peoples’ dogs. Just mine.
13. I love red wine. Lots of red wine.
14. Sometimes I forget to take my canvas bags to the grocery store and I feel bad.
15. I don’t tip at Sonic.
16. I don’t look anything like my mom.
17. At one point in my life, I had a perm, braces, and glasses. All at the same time. Not cute.
18. I hate to cook. Despise it. But I have a really nice kitchen.
19. I wear a size 9 ½ shoe. I wore the same size in the 8th grade and it was embarrassing.
20. I collect owls. Will thinks it’s very “grandmaw” of me. I have a box of them in the attic that are banned from the house.
21. I have a hard time letting go of the past. I think it’s my age. I get sad when I think that there are some people in my life that I may never see again.
22. I live too far away from my family.
23. I live too close to my in-laws.
24. I don’t like to watch movies twice, or TV shows.
25. I’ve never read a book twice, until now.
26. I’m currently reading The Great Gatsby.
27. I love to entertain.
28. I dream of the day when I’ll enjoy doing yard work. Until then, we just won’t be in the running for Yard of the Month.
29. I use foul language more than I should. The f-bomb is probably my favorite.
30. I love Usher and Ludacris. They are on “the list.” Don’t tell my grandmother that they are black.
31. I have a pure hatred towards Alton Brown. I can’t watch his show “Good Eats.” Will DVRs every episode.
32. I enjoy doing laundry. Except for the putting away part. Sometimes I get dressed in the laundry room because that’s where all of the clean clothes are.
33. My in-laws know that their soon-to-be grandchild was conceived in their house. Is that weird?
34. I like to drink one diet coke a day.
35. I know that I am a good driver.
36. I am deathly afraid of heights. I will never sky-dive or bungee jump. I went to the top of the Stratosphere in Vegas and cried. That was last year. Flying doesn’t bother me.
37. I love the rain. It gives me a free pass to do nothing.
38. I love Taco Bell and happy meals from McDonald’s.
39. I don’t have my ears pierced.
40. I have 67 pairs of shoes in my closet.
41. I don’t read emails that my friends forward.
42. I got my belly button pierced during my senior trip to Florida. My mom didn’t see it until I went to college. Then she tried to cut it off with steel cutters. I don’t know if my dad knows this.
43. I married a man who has never eaten a Big Mac. Ever. This seems un-American.
44. I’ve seen Widespread Panic 9 times, and each time I tell myself that it’s the last. The other people there make me feel old. And I can’t take part in the extra-curricular activities in the parking lot.
45. I have a friend in an unhealthy marriage and it kills me that I can’t do anything to save her.
46. I am always on the computer. Way too much.
47. I love my morning coffee. Sometimes I make a big pot and only have a sip, and it does the trick.
48. I cry a lot.
49. I don’t wash my towels until they start to smell.
50. I threw up from drinking Tequila in high school and haven’t had a shot of it since.
51. I don’t feel sorry for overweight people that I see at fast food restaurants.
52. My little sister used to beat the crap out of me growing up. She always won, and then I would tell on her.
53. I balance my checkbook to the penny. And because I don’t write checks anymore with the register, I have a finance binder. I’ve had it for 7 years and have never gone more than a week without opening it.
54. I spent my 20th birthday in Quebec, my 21st birthday in Paris and my 22nd in Switzerland. I spent my last birthday at Dell. Sometimes being an adult sucks.
55. I am highly sensitive to 28 foods or food groups that I should not put in my mouth, including wheat, beef, and beer.
56. I am mildly sensitive to 29 foods or food groups that I should not put in my mouth. That doesn’t leave me with a lot of things to eat. If I follow the list.
57. I have a lot of confidence. And I’m not sure where it came from. My mom asks me this all of the time.
58. I’ve received one speeding ticket in my life, and it was 2 weeks after I turned 16. I was going 34 in a 20.
59. I have diarrhea of the mouth. If I think it, more than likely it comes out. It should get me in trouble a lot, but it doesn’t. My friends say it’s because of my southern accent.
60. In high school, I made one ‘C’ in 4 years, and I was grounded for 6 weeks.
61. I religiously get a pedicure every 2 weeks. But, I can count on one hand the number of manicures I’ve had in my life.
62. I always think I’m right, which makes me smarter than you are….most of the time.
63. My first real kiss was Michael Williams in the 8th grade. It was bad.
64. At 31, I’m still worried about disappointing my parents. I don’t think this will ever go away.
65. I get the same feeling in my stomach today that I got 15 years ago when I think of Winterlight at Camp Kanuga in Hendersonville, NC. I want to go back but I know it won’t be the same.
66. I still get carded for cigarettes. I don’t smoke.
67. Sometimes cigarette smoke smells good to me. The other 99% of the time, it disgusts me.
68. I don’t drink hard liquor because I don’t know how it will make me feel. I don’t like to be out of my comfort zone.
69. I hate big boobs.
70. I got on a plane and took a trip in college that my parents didn’t know about. Betsy was the only person that knew where I was. The trip was miserable because I was a nervous wreck the entire time.
71. I don’t go to church every Sunday. Sometime I feel bad and other times I don’t. I know that one day I will get up and go every week, and just knowing that makes me okay.
72. I took my sister to the Jimmy Buffett concert when she was in the 8th grade and I let her drink wine coolers.
73. If I could change one thing about myself, I’d like to be able to sing. I’d rather sing than have a smaller ass.
74. Most of the men I love on TV are gay.
75. I have never seen any of the Godfather movies.
76. I make fun of people a lot for what they are wearing. I don’t feel bad about myself because of it.
77. The taste of bourbon and coke reminds me of college football games.
78. I had a nose job in 1998. Some people just thought I got a haircut.
79. In college, I asked my sister to read a book and write a paper for me. She was in the 9th grade.
80. My favorite thing to do in the summer is go to New Hampshire. I can’t wait until my kids can experience it.
81. In 1999 I went backpacking in Europe. The day that I got on the plane was probably the scariest day of my life.
82. Sometimes I lie and say I’m 5’7, when really I’m only 5’6 ½.
83. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day. I love pancakes.
84. I have clothes in my closet that I’ve had for years that still have the tags on them.
85. I have lived in my house for 5 years and I don’t know if we own a mop.
86. Sometimes I ask questions and don’t listen to the answer.
87. I’m highly bothered when people don’t have a coffee table in front of their couch.
88. I am a very symmetrical person. I don’t like things that are off balance, at an angle or don’t line up. It drives me crazy.
89. One of my favorite things to do is go to the movies.
90. I won’t watch any movies that are unrealistic – science-fiction, cartoons, pixar films, etc.
91. I love to drink milk when I eat spaghetti.
92. I say the word “true” too much. When someone says something that I agree with, I follow up with a “true.” Sometimes I ghetto it out and say “true dat.”
93. I was more scared of being pregnant than I am of being a good mom. I know I’ll be a good mom.
94. I am not competitive at all. Sometimes I would rather not even play the game.
95. I cry every time I hear the song Dream Big by Ryan Shupe. I just listened to it and cried.
96. I never drive the speed limit. I am always over by at least 5 mph.
97. I love to sleep. LOVE IT. If I don’t get 8 hours of sleep at night, I am miserable the next day. There’s also nothing better than a good 2 hour nap in the middle of the day.
98. I am very closed minded when it comes to religion. I probably shouldn’t elaborate on that.
99. I am not a picky eater. There are very few things in the world that I won’t eat. Brussel sprouts and white gravy are two of them.
100. I think I’m cute.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Quote of the week

This is the best thing I've heard in awhile. And to get the full effect, you have to say it out loud in the worst hick accent that you can conjure up.

"He was wearing size 8 underpants. That can't be good for his fruity pebbles."

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

20 weeks

My brother-in-law, Jake, is 9 months pregnant. It’s been really nice to have someone to go through this with. His doctor says that because his pregnancy is so rare, it will last a lot longer than 9 months. I’m just hoping that my belly doesn’t get as big as his. Maybe he should lay off the ice cream.

Monday, July 7, 2008

The Pregnancy Glow

Over the weekend, I had 3 people tell me that I'm glowing.

That's called sweat. It's hot as shit in Texas right now and you've decided to invite a pregnant girl to a party in the middle of the afternoon heat. What did you expect?

Monday, June 30, 2008

Save the TaTas!

Do you know how much gossip can be covered in 91 miles? A HELLUVA LOT. As many of you know, I have a team that’s heading up to Dallas in November to walk in the Susan G Komen 3-Day Breast Cancer walk. It’s 60 miles over 3 days, which requires training. A lot of training. We started our official training schedule 5 weeks ago. So far, so good. We walk 4 days a week and are averaging about 18 miles a week right now, for a total of 91 miles so far. 18 miles a week is going to seem easy once the schedule requires 18 miles in one day. And you can only imagine the amount of gossip that’s covered when walking with 6 other women 4 times a week. At times it’s overwhelming, and to be honest, just plain jaw-dropping.

We set some ground rules for the walk up front. Well, just 2 rules: Leave the tudes at home and bring the gossip with you! And so far, no one has disappointed. I could probably start a local gossip blog and become famous around the streets of G-Town.

I’m not sure how much of the walk I’ll be able to do in November, seeing as I’ll be 8 months pregnant and huge, but for now, I’m continuing to train and raise money. So far, we’ve raised $11,600! We have a few more fundraising ideas up our sleeves for the summer, and then it’s down to business in the fall before we head up for the event.

If any of you know this group, you know that the best way for us to celebrate a good workout is with an adult beverage! There’s nothing better to nurse the blisters and sore muscles with than a cold beer (O’Douls in my case, which is ZERO fun but it does the trick)! If we just burned 400 calories, why not!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Sorry for the cheese

This is not my typical blog post. It belongs on someone else's blog that's so boring you'd fall asleep reading it. A blog that someone created because they think people really care about what they do every day and what they eat for dinner. It doesn't really belong on my blog, but here goes.

I was making breakfast this week, my typical english muffin with PB&J that I eat every. single. day. And when I took the top off of the jelly jar, I was greeted with this:

My Four Fruits Preserves was smiling at me, saying good morning Mimi!! Hope you have a fabulous day! And it made me smile.

I promise not to bore you with anymore of these types of posts, unless of course, I see Jesus in my english muffin tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

A Swollen What?

This past weekend, the Burleson clan made a quick trip down to the wonderful city of Corpus Christi for a concrete, plaster, and lathe convention. Sounds like a load of fun, huh? Chip (Will's brother) was the only lucky one that didn’t have to trek down to that awful excuse of a “beach-town.” That will be my first and last trip there. Ever.

Aside from the surroundings, the weekend wasn’t too bad. And in typical Mimi and Will fashion, there were a few exciting things that happened.

We ended up sharing a room with Jake and Mary (Will's youngest brother and his fiance). I wasn’t looking forward to that, being the only one that couldn’t drink on this trip, but it turns out that it provided me with a lot of entertainment. On Friday morning, Jake woke up and went into the bathroom. He immediately came back out, sat on the side of the bed, and said, “I think something is wrong with me.” (This story could go in so many different directions from here.) Well, the thing that hangs down in the back of the throat is apparently called a uvula, which sounds much more like a girl-part than something that helps you from regurgitating your food, and Jake’s was swollen. I’m not talking about a little swollen, it hurts when you swallow, give me some Tylenol swollen. I’m talking about SWOLLEN. Someone grabbed my uvula and pulled it out of my mouth and stretched it across the room SWOLLEN. This thing was HUGE, and it was so long that it rested on the top of his tongue, like a basset hound’s ears.

Of course, I panicked, and immediately starting googling to find out what in the world he needed to do. And I came across this site. Really? Someone has created a blog for swollen uvulas? And he’s asking for donations to the “poor dude?” Well, his description of Jake’s activities the night before was right on…drinking, smoking, and snoring PROFUSELY ALL NIGHT. The more I read, the more we laughed, and then I got to the comments. I couldn’t believe the number of people who thanked this “poor dude” from saving them from a trip to the ER.

Like all of the other Swollen Uvula readers, we took his advice and ordered ice cream from room service, and then sent Jake on his way to the first session of the day – SubContractors: Your Blood, Their Glory!

The only other highlight of the weekend was the Texas State Aquarium gift shop, where Will found a 1987 flashdance top and proceeded to play dress up.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Master Bedroom

When we first moved into our house, our bedroom had 5 doorways in it. FIVE. We had 2 doors to the bathroom, which was nice if you had to go really bad. We had one door to the hallway, another to the laundry room, and the 5th was to the hot water heater. Combine this with a wall of three windows, and what you have is called a cluster.

My goal with the bedroom, besides removing 60% of the doorways, was to have a grown-up bedroom. I'm in my 30's and expecting a child. I've got all of the makings of a grown-up. It makes perfect sense. Well, let me tell you. This is not an easy task.

It took me 2 years to pick out a bed and another 8 months to pick out the bedding. Then I had to find an armoire for the tv and grown-up things to hang on the walls. Thank goodness there's no such thing as an "middle-aged" room. I don't think I can do this again.

BEFORE (way before, right when we moved into the house in 2003)


Thursday, June 12, 2008

I never thought I'd say this...

I’m wearing my first maternity jeans this week, and let me tell you – LUVIN IT! I have no idea why these things aren’t available for all women, not just the ones that get knocked up and go thru 9 months of standing in their closets trying to figure out what the hell is going to fit them that day. I think I need to contact the designer jean companies and express my ideas. It should be a standard choice that you get to make when shopping for jeans. Do you want the ‘low-rise-my stomach is going to hang over and my ass crack is going to fall out” fit, or would you like the “perfect” fit, with a comfortable stretch material at the top instead of the cut-into-your-skin-waistband. I think I would be considered a hero of sorts, don’t you think? I bet Oprah would even call me to be a guest on her show. You KNOW she’d love these.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

There’s a prize in every box

You never know what you are going to get when you visit my blog these days. Are you going to hear about the house, the baby, or Crackhead Neighbor? Well today, it’s Crackhead Neighbor. And I’m sure you are all SO EXCITED!!

I’m sad to report that after 2 years of living behind me, she has decided to move. This weekend, Crackhead, Husband, and 13 year old daughter (that I had NO IDEA existed but has apparently been living there for 2 years) are moving into a nice house “like white people have.” We had a great conversation though, so I feel like she’s leaving on a good note.

Crackhead: Amy! Amy! Can I have that big box that you are carrying into your house full of stuff?

Mimi: Sure. But I’ll have to unload it all first. And that might take days.

Crackhead: That’s okay. I’ll just wait right here and watch out my front window for you.

Mimi: Are you moving?

CH: Oh yes. Amy! You are not going to believe it. Father-in-law bought us a house. (note – she calls people by their title, not their name)

Mimi: Oh wow. That was really nice of him.

CH: Oh Amy! You aren’t going to believe it. He’s rich! I met him for the first time last month and he has a really nice house. It’s like 300 million dollars, like white people have.

Mimi: You just met him for the first time? How long have you been married?

CH: 18 years. But see Amy, last weekend, the po-lice knocked on my door looking for Husband to take him to jail. And I told them that when he got home from work, I’d bring him up to jail for them. So, when Husband got home, I told him we were going to the Dollar Store, and then I took him to jail!

Mimi: So, your husband is in jail?

CH: Oh Amy, no! He was in jail over the weekend. See, he had like 5 years of unpaid parking tickets and I told him that he better get that taken care of, so I took him to jail! And then when he got out, he took me to Father-in-Laws. And Father-in-law told me that I had finally made a real man out of his son, so he was going to buy us a house! Because, you see, in 18 years, we never asked him for money, because I have a real good job, like you white people.

Mimi: (total silence with jaw on the ground)

CH: So, me and my daughter, we’re packing up.

Mimi: You have a daughter? That lives with you? In that house, right there?

CH: Yep, she’s 13, but she stays inside. She’s like me. See, I’m real slow a lot, and I have a learning…dis…um….a learning thing.

Mimi: Disability?

CH: Yes! Disability. And, I have Bi-Polo.

Mimi (Trying not to laugh….and wondering WHY IN THE HELL I continue to ask this woman questions, but then I think, this is JUST SO DANG FUNNY!): So, how’s your puppy?

CH: Oh Amy! He pees everywhere. And I keep telling Husband that we need to go to Petsmart like the white people do and get him potty trained!

Mimi: Um, yeah, so… good luck with the move! See-ya!

Boy will I miss that woman!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

It's a....

BOY!!! We think.

I went in yesterday for my 13 week ultrasound and was shocked when the guy told us that he could see the sex of the baby. He explained that there's this thing (not the actual "part" and not a bone, but I have terrible listening skills and didn't catch the exact term) that sticks out of the pelvic region, and when the baby is laying down perfectly, as MY perfectly behaved baby was, this part sticks straight out for girls, and sticks up at a 30 degree angle for boys. Well, Baby Burleson's was sticking straight up at a 90 degree angle, so it was definitely obvious. Daddy was so proud!

We didn't have a preference on boy or girl. I didnt' have any feelings and I didn't really have much time to have any dreams. We're just happy to finally know, or "think" we know. I still want to wait until the 20 week visit to confirm, but for now, I'm mentally preparing myself for a boy!

Will's first thought was, God, please don't let him play baseball....I physically cannot sit through that many baseball games. And I was just worried about how I was going to dress this kid because cute boys clothes are hard to come by these days. There's a fine line between cute and the neighborhood dork. But then I remembered that I married Will Burleson, the king of men's fashion. And I know that every day my son walks out of the house, he's going to look PIMP!

Monday, May 19, 2008

Before and After Series

I'm finally starting the Before and After Series. I realize that this is long overdue, but I'm tired and PREGNANT. Cut me some slack!! If this is new news to you, here are the details: I'm in my 12th week and due December 6th, which is 6 weeks after my sister. I feel good but went through about 3 weeks of hell and an addiction to white food. Actually, the addiction to white food is still with me and is not going away anytime soon. Thank God for Happy Meals! Yes, I am going to find out the sex (mid-July), yes, I'm having an epidural, and yes, I'm planning on breastfeeding.

Back to the house. I'm going to post before and after pics in stages. Today is the first and we start with the kitchen. A lot of people ask me what my favorite room is, and I think it's the kitchen. Not because I'm using the new Jenn-Air range, because I've only used it once, or the new dishwasher that I've waited 5 years for, or the 75% increase in cabinet space. I like it because it's pretty. Plain and simple.



Tuesday, May 13, 2008

It's a lovely day in the neigborhood

We have lived in our house for almost 4 weeks and people are STILL showing up to fix things. STILL. And the same people have to keep coming over because they can’t get it right the first time. 4 weeks and I still have sticky notes all over my walls with chicken scratch explaining exactly what is wrong with that exact spot on the wall. Or the bathtub. Or the crown molding. And the superintendant has stopped coming over to give them direction, so these poor guys just show up and are expected to know that they need to paint the 1x1 square of drywall in the upstairs bathroom behind the sconce on the left of the mirror. It’s like a game of Clue without the professor and the candlestick.

This morning, the painters showed up bright and early while Will and I were still in our pjs. And to tell them to come back in an hour was like telling a 6 month old to run to the store and get a gallon of milk. THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU. After trying to communicate with them for 15 minutes, which involved some very amateur sign language, they finally figured out what I was saying.

So then, we had an hour to get ready for work and get out of the house before everyone came back to wonder around aimlessly and try to figure out what they needed to do. As SOON as I got back in the bathroom to get ready, someone was banging on the backdoor and screaming my name. When I got to the backdoor, I was a little surprised to see my crackhead neighbor FREAKING out and screaming AMY, AMY!! I am not lying when I say crackhead, and I don’t care enough to tell her that my name isn’t Amy. I don’t plan on being around her that much. She was freaking out so much that you would have thought we were being invaded and needed to take cover, and somehow I had missed the memo on the morning news. But, we weren’t. IT WAS WORSE. The Police were out giving parking tickets to everyone in downtown Gtown because none of us know how to legally park on the street. And Crackhead looked out the window just in the nick of time and came running over to warn me of the disaster. I only got a warning, which was nice. But, the best part of the entire morning was the big hug that I received from Crackhead and the speech that she gave on how grateful we are to be neighbors and that’s what neighbors are for and thank goodness she was spying on me this morning because we don’t need any more run-ins with the Po-Po because last year was enough when the swat team showed up and had all of her kids on the front yard with their faces in the dirt and handcuffed.

Life on the east side. Gotta luv it.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Dear Liane,

I realize that I have been neglecting my blog lately, but for good reasons. I’m TIRED. I know this is not a good excuse, but it’s all I can come up with. When you get bored at work, I’m know I'm not helping out by providing any new reading material, and I apologize for this. If you need a list of some other blogs to read, let me know. I have a few that you might find enjoyable. Maybe not as entertaining, but they will certainly help with boredom at work. I can speak from experience on this.

We are almost completely settled into the new house, but life hasn’t been very funny lately, so I don’t have much material to write about. We go to work, go to the gym, eat dinner, and go to bed. We even went 2 weeks without cable and racked up a $75 bill at Hollywood Video. If you can find anything blog-worthy about that, let me know. I guess I could do movie reviews. By the end of the day, I’m so drained that I don’t have an ounce of energy left to unpack the 23 boxes-o-crap sitting in my living room. I could probably donate them to goodwill and I would never miss the contents. But I just can’t let go….I think that’s an inherited trait.

BUT….I do see some unpacking in my near future. We are putting all of our rugs down tonight, and I think this might motivate us to get busy on the rest of the house. I promise to take pictures and post them this week. We have also self-inflicted pain on ourselves and scheduled mother’s day brunch at our house, and my parents are coming next weekend. I purposefully did this so that I would get my lazy ass in gear.

I hope this letter occupied a few minutes of boredom for you today. Sorry it’s not very funny. It’s hard to be “on” all of the time. Today I’m only at about 85%.

Peace Out,

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Tag...You're It!

I’ve been tagged by the fabulous Julie. I guess it’s a blog game, or it’s like those dumb forwards that you get from random people via email that lists out 100 ridiculous things about yourself that no one really cares about. Like, does anyone really care that I prefer the mountains over the beach, or that my favorite vegetable is okra, or that I get up at 7:30 on the dot every morning, or that my first real kiss was Michael Williams in the 8th grade? Those that care need to find some hobbies.

So, now that the house is well on its way to being fully pimped, I figured I could start blogging about other things in my life. Don’t worry….I will only blog about things in life that all 10 of my readers will find interesting. And I’ll try not to blog about what I ate for dinner, and I’ll spare you pictures of the meatloaves that I attempt to cook.

There are rules and such to this tagging game, but rules are for the birds. I’m just going to jump right in.

Seven random things about me that will help you sleep better tonight knowing:

1. I probably think I am smarter than you. I know, I probably started off the list a little too strong, but this is a good fact that you should know about me. There’s only a handful of people that I think have an advantage over me. Now, I’m not necessarily talking about book smarts. But, every day life matters? Yep, I probably know more than you.

2. I love Taco Bell. Love doesn’t really describe it. I LUUUVVVVV it. I would rather eat Taco Bell Nachos Bell Grande over any other legit Mexican restaurant that serves margaritas. There’s just something about the mystery beef, refried beans, sour cream, and cheese out of a machine, all mixed together in a wonderful gooey mess.

3. I’m going to be an aunt!! My little sister, Helen, is prego and is due at the end of October. She’s doing things a little different than I would probably do them, but she wouldn’t be Helen if she didn’t. Things like having a midwife and having her baby at home, and not finding out the sex. WHAT?? Now that is just uncalled for. How am I supposed to buy presents? And how is my mom supposed to decorate? I told my mother to just embrace the “different” on this one, and she’ll get “normal” when it’s my turn. Drugs and hospitals and all.

4. I like Mylee Cyrus’s new song. OMG – I cannot believe that just came out of my mouth. But yes, it’s a catchy little tune that I like to sing along with on the radio. I’m SO EMBARRASED.

5. I am a zit picker. Gross, I know, but I can’t help it! I can’t just let it live there on my face while it heals and goes away. It’s like this magnetic force and I’m just drawn to it. And the worst part is that I’ve had more zits at the age of 30 than I’ve had in my entire life. That makes for a very busy morning in front of the mirror. Aging sucks.

6. I’m obsessed with sunscreen. Even more importantly, I’m obsessed with getting wrinkles. I’m the girl at the pool that gets upset when my friends have on anything less than SPF 15. And I make sure that everyone uses a good firming night cream and eye cream. I’m not one of those girls that wants to look better than all of her friends. If you are going to hang out with me, you better look good too!

7. I have diarrhea of the mouth, or as the bartender at the country club says, I don’t have a filter. I am constantly getting in trouble for the things that come out of my mouth. Thankfully, my charming southern accent lets me get away with a lot. If my friends said the same thing, it would just come across as rude, but somehow, when it comes out of my mouth, people think it’s funny. I’m just brutally honest. I’ve been trying to work on this, but it’s just so hard!

I hope you enjoyed those few tidbits about me. I’m supposed to tag 7 other people with blogs, but they’ve all been tagged already. So I guess the game ends here.

Monday, April 21, 2008

We're movin' on up....To the east side!

The strangest thing happened over the weekend. I woke up Friday morning and there was a fat lady singing on the front porch and pigs were flying all over the yard. Crazy things were happening. And then, to top it all off, we received a call that we could move into the house. WHAT? I must have heard you wrong. Are you sure you don't have the wrong number? This is the Burlesons you are talking to....the ones that have been stuck in a nightmare for the last 8 months called a remodel....the ones that have been in a constant state of disappointment for 230 days.....the ones that almost went to prison for attempted murder on Brad Marshall.

They apparently had the right number. So, on friday, we began moving - wohoooo!! And let me tell you, my MIL is a rockstar. Will and the FIL played in a golf tournament on friday, saturday, and sunday, so MIL and I worked all weekend to get as much done as possible. And that woman never stopped. How do moms do it? I wanted to take a nap by 3pm on Friday and we didn't even get started until 1 oclock!

The house isn't officially pimped, but we are well on our way. We have pictures to hang and a few boxes of random crap to go thru that I have somehow accumulated over the last 10 years or so. We can put rugs on the floors on May 4 and our closet is being installed on May 5. And then we are inviting Xzibit over for the official pimping ceremony.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Lesson of the Day:

Men with three assholes are WAY more productive than men with only one.

April 17, 2008 (Day 230)

The shit hit the fan last night at the Burleson house in a BIG way. There's not even words to really describe it. RAGING FURY would be putting it very lightly. I'm not going to go into too much detail, but there have been a few issues with subcontractors that have been building and building, and last night it all came to a head. We were standing in our kitchen admiring the new appliances that Will installed all by himself - the ONLY job that was done to perfection in our house - when I noticed that the binpulls on the kithen cabinets looked a little off. I had Will measure them and sure enough, none of them were centered correctly. They weren't even close! You might think that this is an easy fix, BUT IT'S NOT. Each binpull has 2 screws, which means that every single one of my drawers will have 2 patched holes when the hardware is put back on correctly. And THAT my friends, is unacceptable in my book. No one wants to pay thousands of dollars for cabinets with holes in them.

Then the nasty phone calls starting taking place. Of course, no one is going to answer the phone at 9pm on a Thursday night, so the nasty voicemails started, and I loved every minute of it. I felt a little left out when Will was done, so I did my part and sent a nasty email. I'm not going to post it, although it was FABULOUS, so I'll just give you a little tidbit. The last sentence was "You will receive the check for this when I have my certificate of occupancy and you are FINISHED at my house and I don’t have to ever do business with you again." BURN!!!

So, this morning, Will met everyone over at the house at 8am and proceeded to chew them all a new asshole, or three. I wasn't there to witness it, but my favorite line of the recap was "You better be glad my wife isn't here, or this would be REAL ugly. She tends to get personal." And Frank's response was "Yeah, I read her email." Apparently, they are busy at work over there now. I have no idea when I'm going to get to move in, but I'm wearing out my welcome at the in-laws. If anyone has a spare room, let me know. I don't cook and I don't clean, but I'll provide some great humor at the dinner table every night. It will be fun!

Oh, and one more thing. Frank's real name is Brad Marshall, from Brad Marshall Homes. I think you all know how I feel about him.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

April 16, 2008 (I don't care anymore what day it is....WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END????)

I don't come bearing good news. I no longer believe that there's such a thing as good news. In my book, it's all dark and gray and bad. And blue.

We did our punch list yesterday with the superintendant. We walked thru the house and marked everything with blue tape that needed to be fixed. At the end of the 3 1/2 hours, this is what my house looked like. And the super proceeded to tell me that this was NORMAL!! Normal? I am paying you buttloads of money and this is normal? It took all I had not to wrap him up in blue tape and send someone over to "fix" him.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

April 10, 2008 (Day 223)

We were supposed to be ready to move into the house today, and instead, I'm at work, WORKING. Not moving heavy boxes and furniture and sweating my butt off, like I would have liked. Nope, instead I'm in a nice gray cubicle, wearing business casual clothes and using terms like LOB and SMB and "low-hanging fruit." Gag me. I'm not sure what the issue is, and at this point, I don't care. JUST GET 'ER DONE!!!

We leave tomorrow morning for the Masters and get back Monday afternoon. If I don't have a certificate of occupancy on my kitchen counter when I return, some heads are gonna roll. And now that I know what that means and have witnessed it first hand, I hope it doesn't have to happen. Because it can be UGLY, UGLY, UGLY. Just ask the tile guys.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

April 8, 2008 (Day 221)

You probably think you've seen these pictures before, but you haven't. They are different. I'm like that annoying mom that always sends out pictures of her kids to non-moms. Your kid looks exactly the same as it did 2 days ago. I know you think that it's grown so much in the last 48 hours, but the rest of the world can't tell. And the emails always say something like "we had a big weekend...she finally said "mommy!" Really? Because I can't tell. Send me a picture of her when she graduates from Gap Kids to regular Gap, because THAT will be interesting.

These pictures are different. The floors have 2 coats of polyurthane on them. Can't you tell?

Thursday, April 3, 2008

April 3, 2008 (Day 216)

The sealer was applied to the floors yesterday, and it's starting to look like a real house!!! A house that I can move in to, run around naked in, make a mess in, and leave dirty dishes in the sink. A house that will be ALL MINE when I wake up in the morning and don't feel like talking to anyone yet, and I can come home from work to quiet and not have to talk because I talked all day and I have nothing left in me and I'm all talked out. A house that my dogs can run around in and sleep on the couches and in the beds, and go out whenever they want to because there's a fence. A house that I can scream and yell in when I get mad and walk around in my pjs and eat crackers in my bed. MY VERY OWN HOUSE THAT I DON'T HAVE TO SHARE WITH ANYONE! Oh, well except for Will:)

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

What the....??

Yall are lucky....2 posts in one day!

What the.... #1:

Do you see the dark spot in the middle of the hallway below? Well, that's a burn mark on the floor that was uncovered once the floors were sanded. I never noticed it when we lived there, but probably because we had a table right there. But now I'm dying to know how it got there. It makes me think of the time when my sister was a baby and my mom was boiling nipples on the stove, and they caught on fire and she burned the kitchen floor and the fire department had to come. I wonder if my burn is that funny. I don't think the previous owners blogged their lives, so I'm sure I'll never know. I'll probably just make up a great story behind it. And then I'll tell Will about it and anytime someone asks about the burn in the hallway, which I'm sure we'll get asked ALL OF THE TIME, he'll tell them the big fat lie that I made up, although he wont know it's a lie. I tend to do that to him a lot.

What the.....#2:

A few months ago, I purchased this pendant light from West Elm shown below (the picture is bad and doesn't do it justice).

It's a little bit modern, a little bit vintage, and I love it. Not to mention the fact that it was on sale for only $39.99. It's now hanging in the new stairwell. Last night, the fam took a field trip over to the house and while my MIL and BIL were upstairs, I overheard this conversation:

Chip: I don't like that light that Mimi picked out.

Robin: I don't think that's permanent. I think that is just a cover for the bulb for the painters. See all of the paint splatters on it?

Chip: Oh, you're right.

WHAT THE....???

April 2, 2008 (Day 215)

We are getting down to business folks. No more funny-funny. I have finally run out of humor related to this God-forsaking pain in my ass project. If you are looking for laughs, you'll have to call me and we'll talk about something different, like the time I asked my mother-in-law how to use her stove after I'd already been living there 6 months.

We had a big day at the house yesterday! The piles and piles of trash were cleaned up, the half-empty bottles of Big Red and Sunkist were thrown away, and the floors were sanded! It made a HUGE difference in how the progression of the house looks. We finally look like we are getting somewhere. Today, the appliances are being installed, the plumber is wrapping up (he's been "wrapping up" for 2 weeks now, and he's making me sound like a broken record), and the floors are being sanded again. Then it's a coat of sealer, 2 coats of polyurathane, and NO TRAFFIC in the house until Monday.