What I have learned during my wife’s 1st pregnancy (Part 1)
1. Lately when we hug, we look like two 5th graders slow dancing.
2. If my child comes out with bright red hair, a yellow jumpsuit, and huge feet, I would not be surprised at all. My wife has consumed 974 happy meals during her pregnancy.
I don’t know if she wants our kid to have 974 toys that he can’t play with until he’s 3, per the manufacturer’s recommendation, or if she is secretly filming her own “Super Size Me”. Whatever the reason, 2.86 happy meals a day is pretty impressive.
3. Being pregnant has aged my wife about 50 years. She went from spin class and weights to senior citizen’s water aerobics twice a week.
4. I am hungry when my wife is hungry. Not before, not after, but at that exact moment.
5. My wife is more patient than I am. If that kid continuously kicked me in the ribs I would have hit him back by now.
6. If she sleeps…. we sleep.
7. If I had to go to the restroom that many times a day I would consider wearing a diaper.
8. All pregnant women should go see “Pineapple Express.” Mimi was laughing so hard that the people behind us thought she was high. They looked appalled when they realized she was pregnant.
9. My worth is based on the ice cream that I did or didn’t remember at McDonald’s.
10. “It’s not water aerobics. It’s water ballet. Get it right dumbass.”