Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Hump Day with Papa PMB

What I have learned during my wife’s 1st pregnancy (Part 1)

1. Lately when we hug, we look like two 5th graders slow dancing.

2. If my child comes out with bright red hair, a yellow jumpsuit, and huge feet, I would not be surprised at all. My wife has consumed 974 happy meals during her pregnancy.

Side note:
I don’t know if she wants our kid to have 974 toys that he can’t play with until he’s 3, per the manufacturer’s recommendation, or if she is secretly filming her own “Super Size Me”. Whatever the reason, 2.86 happy meals a day is pretty impressive.

3. Being pregnant has aged my wife about 50 years. She went from spin class and weights to senior citizen’s water aerobics twice a week.

4. I am hungry when my wife is hungry. Not before, not after, but at that exact moment.

5. My wife is more patient than I am. If that kid continuously kicked me in the ribs I would have hit him back by now.

6. If she sleeps…. we sleep.

7. If I had to go to the restroom that many times a day I would consider wearing a diaper.

8. All pregnant women should go see “Pineapple Express.” Mimi was laughing so hard that the people behind us thought she was high. They looked appalled when they realized she was pregnant.

9. My worth is based on the ice cream that I did or didn’t remember at McDonald’s.

10. “It’s not water aerobics. It’s water ballet. Get it right dumbass.”

Monday, October 27, 2008

Pet Peeves and Other Things that Annoy Me #3

Men's Navy Dockers

Your 2nd grade Sunday School class called. They want their pants back.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

A Post from Papa PMB

A few months ago my wife decided to make a list of 100 things that you didn’t know about her or something like that. So I have decided to respond to Mr. or Mrs. Anonymous by making my own list of facts, thoughts and some random questions. Most of us will find this amusing, not unlike the email I sent to my wife back in 2004. Others will go get a book written by a Democrat and use it to seem intelligent. I don’t care. I don’t usually listen to anyone that is fanatical about any subject because they can’t and won’t see the other side of the argument. But here are 50 things I want to say. To my Democratic friends - don’t take this too seriously. You know I love you both. Now to the list…

1. College professors were Democrats before they were college professors. It’s a dream job for any liberal….a little work for decent pay. And I quote, “People that can’t do, teach.”
2. When did Socialist and Democrat become the same thing?
3. I wonder if the Democratic Media would overlook John McCain for having a cocaine habit.
4. If the presidential nominees switched parties, the Democrat media would not be able to stop talking about the lack of experience on the Republican side.
5. Does the City Alderman answer to the dog catcher? Will someone clear that up for me?
6. If we elect a Democrat to the White House, what is CNBC going to bitch about all day?
7. Democrats don’t like Obama either.
8. Most elections come down to one thing. If the economy is good, the incumbent party usually wins. If not, then you get a Democrat.
9. 8 years ago, Democrats didn’t like Democrats
10. 4 years ago, apparently they still didn’t.
11. President Bush did not fly either one of those planes into the Towers. I know you heard that from your highly educated college professor, but he lied.
12. Greed, not “W,” is the reason we are in the financial mess we are in right now.
13. Is it easier to get a Cole Haan or Birkenstock into your mouth?
14. I mean really, Cole Haans?
15. If I didn’t have a job I would vote Democrat too.
16. I make sure to get up every morning and work hard because I know that somewhere there is a Democrat signing someone else up for welfare…Someone’s got to pay for it.
17. Michael Moors sucks.
18. Democrats have no sense of humor.
19. Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish…wait…why would he show up when the Democrats are down the street giving fish away?
20. Seriously, ya’ll need to lighten up.
21. I know we are in a state of Crisis right now, but nothing is going to change because you put a Democrat in the White House. I would be willing to bet that it gets worse. Obama scares the hell out of people with money.
22. Does Obama really believe all the crap that comes out of his mouth?
23. Would you put your child in a car with someone that had never driven before?
24. Why don’t we start punishing the kids in school for making A’s? Damn them for working hard and trying to better themselves.
25. When you’re sitting around the coffee-shop bashing “W,” does it make you feel better about yourself?
26. If a Democrat had been elected in 2000, would that have made it all right to go to war?
27. To put out the fire it takes more than screaming at the water….think about it….
28. I hate hippies.
29. Are these two the best America has to offer? What about all those college professors that are so well educated?
30. Being lazy doesn’t entitle you to anything but getting a check from the government.
31. Cole Haans??? I stopped wearing those months ago, along with my braided belt, tight rolled Guess Jeans, and Ray Bans. Hold on a sec…I forgot to lock my BMW.
32. “W” the movie must really suck. Democrats don’t even like it.
33. My child’s initials could possibly be GWB. I think we should call him “W.”
34. I take that back. The kids at school would blame him for everything.
35. I wish everyone still gave the President respect. Not because they agree with him, but because he is the President. Those were the days, or so I’m told.
36. I wish there was a TV channel that was not bias one way or the other. I just want the facts. I don’t need your opinion.
37. Damn those smart kids. You know what we should do is give them more homework than the other kids and see if they can still keep up.
38. If you are ever in question about something, say it out load. Most of the time, if it sounds wrong, it is.
39. I hate politicians.
40. I am tired of Al Sharpton and his entire crew. Stop showing up, demanding things, jumping up and down and leaving right after the cameras are gone. You take the attention away from the problem and put it on yourself.
41. Obama will be the next president. My glass is half full. At least it’s not Hilary.
42. I’m not always right, but my wife is.
43. The only thing she doesn’t know is that she doesn’t know everything.
44. No really, if she doesn’t know the answer she makes it up.
45. I think that people forget why they support the party they choose to support. It’s all about winning, not what is best for the country.
46. Obama can’t be that smart. He is going to raise taxes on himself. No rational person would ever do that.
47. I wish Howard Dean had run again. “We’re gonna go to Texas, and Washington, and we’re gonna go to Ohio………YEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!”
48. Did that guy end up killing a bunch of people? He seemed a little crazy.
49. I love that we can agree to disagree.
50. I can’t get over the Cole Hans. Really? Cole Hans?

By the way I don’t have an editor or the time to proofread, so don’t send in your comments about my grammar or spelling. Save them. They would only fall on deaf ears.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

So, I lied...What's the big deal?

My recent conversation with Mrs. Republican-of-the-Year isn’t the only political post you’ll see here at PMB. This one was too good not to pull out of the vault. The day after the election in 2004, I received this list from Will in my email. And considering that this year’s election is FAR more interesting and controversial than Bush and Kerry, I can only expect to see great things from Will on November 4, 2008.

Reasons why John Kerry lost the election (and a few questions):

1. California and New York only get 86 combined electoral votes (thank God)
2. In Kerry's last flip-flop before the election, he decided to support Bush
3. He's a DEMOCRAT
4. The American public is smarter than I thought (this does not include anyone over the Mason-Dixon line or in California)

Question #1
If John Kerry poops in Ohio does George Bush still wear a cowboy hat?

5. P-Diddy forgot to tell everyone that election day was Nov. 2nd
6. Not enough hippies in Austin to win Texas for Kerry

Question #2
If you wait two weeks to lose do you still lose?

7. His major supporters were Ben Affleck and Roger Moore (Lord, those guys suck)

Question #3
If you don't find any WMD's, but you find a bastard in a spider-hole, do you still win?

8. Refer to reason #3 once more
9. The Marketing Department @ Dell is only .0000000000000000001% of the population (again, we must thank God)
10. Marrying a billionaire doesn't qualify you for shit (except a good loan rate)
11. In a recent poll, people in Texas, Florida, and Ohio were found to be the most intelligent
12. A red-neck from Texas always kicks a Yankee's ass (The Civil War not included)

If you made a noose out of hemp, and hung Bill Clinton with it, would Republicans support the legalization of marijuana?

13. I'm giving all credit to the fine citizens of Mississippi, and their 6 electoral votes

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Pet Peeves and Other Things that Annoy Me #2

Vasectomy Reversal Billboards

I’m not sure if everyone has seen these or not. They may only be in Texas, specifically between Dallas, Austin, and Houston. If that’s the case, how did Texans get so damn lucky? If you haven’t seen at least one of these in your lifetime, you are greatly missing out.

I have a peeve for billboards in general, but this one tends to stand out amongst them all. Being in marketing, I realize that they do serve a purpose. I like to know that the next McDonald’s is 2.7 miles ahead on the right. It’s nice to find a Red Roof Inn with free cable AND a continental breakfast. And if I were a truck driver, I’d love to know that an all-you-can-eat steak restaurant is right around the corner, AND that they offer trucker parking and hot showers. I don’t even mind the “JESUS LOVES YOU” billboards. It’s always nice to hear that someone loves you, and when it’s Jesus…well, you just can’t get any better than that.

There are a few that I deem pointless. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t like alcohol billboards. Now, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a Coors Light every once in awhile, but I don’t drink it because of the billboard that I saw on the way to Texarkana last year. And it’s certainly not safe to see an ad for Bud light, pull over, and get a 40 for the road. Same goes for cigarettes. I’m not going to start smoking because the Marlboro man looked damn hot on the side of I-35, and I don’t think anyone hooked on smoking is going to change their brand because Joe Camel had a super compelling message.

But, a billboard for a Vasectomy Reversal? This one tops them all. I may be wrong, but I don’t think a reversal is an impulse buy. And is there a big market for this service? I want to know how many people are driving to Houston to visit their family, see the billboard, and think to themselves, now THAT is what I need. As soon as I get to mom’s house, I’m going to call them and make an appointment. This will be great…I can visit my family and reverse the vasectomy that I got a few years back and have regretted ever sense. And I know that this is what Jesus wants me to do, because he just told me he loved me 6 miles back. This will be a successful trip!

I feel sorry for all of the men out there need a vasectomy reversal and haven’t seen the billboards. How in the world are they going to know where to go??

Friday, October 10, 2008

From the Vault

I was looking through old emails and found this one from Will in August of 2004....a few months after we adopted Jack. A few months after the little monster entered our house, turned our world upside down, and made our lives a living hell. In the first month that we had him, Cooper's main goal was to Tonya Harding his ass. He didn't care that we brought home a dog with heartworms so bad that he was on tranquilizers. Cooper wanted him out and was going to do everything in his power to get his way. In a matter of weeks, we had a stack of vet bills over $2,000. The fighting was so bad that I was crying on a daily basis. A fight would break out and I would cry. Will threatened to get rid of him, and I would cry. Cooper would look at Jack wrong, and I would cry.

Eventually, we hired a pet psychiatrist to come in and tell us what to do. Just another few hundred dollars added to the stack. And it wasn't like this lady was telling me anything new. I had heard it all before.....from Will. Only, why would you want to listen to your husband when you can pay someone to tell you the same thing?

So, she told us some garbage about pack order, feeding time, and blah, blah, blah....and things slowly started to get a little better around here.

Well, one day while I was at work, I got a call from Will. He had taken Jack in the car with him on a few errands and was at the gas station. When he got out of the car to pump the gas, Jack hit the lock button and locked him out....with the car running. Later that afternoon, I received this email:

FOR SALE: One Jack Russell Terrier

This Dog is a charmer. He loves to run, so you will have to keep your doors and gates locked at all times. Another good thing about this dog is that he has heartworms (so you will need a steady job). In his spare time he loves to pick fights with larger dogs and piss on your furniture. I'm telling you that this dog is a keeper. But that's not all, because this morning I discovered a new talent. He is a master at locking a car door. He hasn't yet mastered the art of unlocking, but with a little time and effort I'm sure he could figure it out. I know what you are thinking...How much would a dog of this quality cost? Well today is your lucky day. Because I will actually pay you to come pick him up. My number is 1-800-IH8-DOGS.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The things we do for our kids...

As many of you know, I’m taking a water aerobics class. I was having such bad round ligament pain that I had to quit walking and take to the water. I’m the youngest in the class by at least 25 years. I’m the only one that doesn’t qualify for a discount at the movies or the early bird special at Luby’s. And it’s the only class I’ve ever been in where the instructor yells, “Ladies, don’t do this exercise if you’ve had a hip replacement!!” The first time I heard that, I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. And I didn’t even feel bad because that shit was funny! I don’t mind hanging out with the senior citizens twice a week because these women LOVE me! They get so excited when I come to class. For the most part, I love them too, except for this one old hag that thinks I’m “big.” Screw her.

Anyway, I’ve had a lot of people ask me what I wear to water ballet (I like to call it that, as though it’s an elite group and takes skill to perform in class). They act shocked, like they don’t think Mimi would wear a maternity swimsuit. And when I describe it, they laugh! Laugh…at ME! And I’m all, well, it’s cuter than it sounds. And they’re all, yeah, there’s no way that would be cute. So, ladies and gentlemen, here it is: The very cute and very stylish leopard print water ballet costume. Well, the top at least. I’m not about to show you the bottoms. They make granny-panties look sexy.

Monday, October 6, 2008

New Series: Pet Peeves and Other Things That Annoy Me

Pet Peeves and Other Things that Annoy Me #1: "My child does more extracurricular activities than your kid" Stickers

I really don’t care that Johnny plays the trumpet in the Round Rock marching band! But I’ll tell you who does. Every nasty pervert in the city. They now know that your cute little Sally is on the McNeil Middle School soccer team, and I’m sure it’s not hard to find out that they have practice at 3pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So, if I were you, I’d take that sticker off the back window of your minivan. Not only is it unsafe, it’s LAME.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

The first and last time I'll talk about politics on this blog

Over the past 7 months, Will and I have found ourselves sitting at home in front of the TV on most Friday nights. This is a huge departure from our lives prior to pregnancy. We’ve traded in Coors Light, late night Whataburger, and hangovers for reruns of Scrubs and Presidential debates. Yes, you heard right….We watched the debate last Friday. If something better was on TV, believe me, we would have been watching. But seeing as Obama and McCain took over EVERY SINGLE CHANNEL, we were forced to listen to them one-up each other who warned the House and Senate first on an issue and who has on the better bracelet given to them by a fallen soldier’s mother.

As soon as the debate ended, I received a phone call from Mrs. Republican of the Year:

Mrs ROY: Hey, did you just watch the debate?

Me: Yes, we actually did.

Mrs ROY: Okay, I need you to text in and vote that McCain won. I can’t text on my phone, so you need to text and vote. Can you text in?

Me: Ok.

Mrs ROY: So, what did you think?

Me: (Knowing that I was about to hear a loud scream on the other end of the line) I think Obama did better. He’s definitely a better public speaker.

Mrs ROY: WHHAAATTT???? Are you kidding me? You know better than to say that!

Me: Sorry, but I think he did a good job.

Mrs ROY: You CANNOT go to work tomorrow and tell everyone that Obama won!!!!

Me: First of all, tomorrow is Saturday, so I’m not going to work.

Mrs ROY: (laughing hysterically) That’s right! HAHAHA!! That is HIL-ARIOUS!

Me: Secondly, my friends and I don’t sit around and discuss politics at the office. We discuss more important things, like cute boys, where we went shopping over the weekend, and who we saw out downtown doing something completely inappropriate.

Mrs ROY: Anyway, you need to text Fox News and vote that McCain won…I can’t text on my phone so you need to text them right now.

Me: Why Fox news? Shouldn't we be texting into a station that isn't primarily Republican?

Mrs ROY: Well, what are you watching?


Mrs ROY: WHAATTT?? Why are you watching NBC? That station is LIBERAL!

Me: Calm down. In case you didn't notice, NBC showed the exact same debate that FOX showed.

Mrs ROY: Well, you need to text into FOX. You promise you’ll text them?

Me: YES! I’ll do it right now.

Mrs ROY: Okay, bye!

Less than 30 seconds later, the phone rings….

Mrs ROY: Hey, did you text? Did you text in your vote for McCain?

Me: YES LADY! I just texted.

Mrs ROY: Good. So, we went to lunch today on the square, and there were 2 lunch specials, the McCain and the Obama. Of course I ordered the McCain, but you know what I said?

Me: What did you say? I’m just dying to know.

Mrs. ROY: I said that the Obama sandwich should be a big sausage on a bun. GET IT? BULLSHIT ON A BUN?

Me: Uh, no…. I don’t get it. Mom, are you drunk?