It's official...

I’m pregnant. Not that I haven’t been pregnant for the past 6 months, but now I FEEL pregnant. I’m finally feeling the “joys” of pregnancy, which by the way, is complete bullshit.

I get asked how I feel about 23 times a day. And for the past 6 months, my answer has been “Great! I feel Great!” And I’m 100 percent sincere when I say it, because I did feel great….like hugs and kisses, chocolate cake, and pretty little ponies. NOT ANYMORE. So now when you ask me how I feel, I’m still going to say “GREAT!” Just know that I’m lying. I’d rather not tell you the truth, unless that’s what you really want to hear. And then I’ll tell you this:

I’m in pain. I have a knee or elbow or fist stuck in my upper ribs, right below my boob. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I try to move him but have no luck. It’s now sore to the touch. And my boobs are huge. H.U.G.E. And don’t tell me “just wait until your milk comes in!” I don’t want to hear it. If they get any bigger than they currently are, I’ll die. Literally. Or I’ll ask you to shoot me, and then you’d get in trouble and I’d feel bad. I’m taking prenatal vitamins that taste like I’m swallowing a spoonful of rotten fish, and iron pills that make you constipated...a feeling that I’d only wish on my worst enemy. I’m bleeding from places that you aren’t supposed to bleed from at this age, and I’m swollen in places that aren’t supposed to be swollen, like a little fat girl. I’m too young to have these ailments. I get about 1 hour of decent sleep at a time, and then I’m up with weird pains that you can’t quite describe. Is a baby about to pop out of my belly button, or do I just have to pee? So I get up and pee, AGAIN. Then sleep for another hour, and repeat. Oh, and did I tell you that my back is hurting so bad that I’ve resorted to seeing a strip-mall doctor to realign it? Yep, a fruity little guy in a strip mall with a weird eye.

So, I’ll spare you the earful and just say “GREAT” next time you ask, with a big fat smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye. How’s that for sugarcoating?