Tuesday, June 3, 2008

There’s a prize in every box

You never know what you are going to get when you visit my blog these days. Are you going to hear about the house, the baby, or Crackhead Neighbor? Well today, it’s Crackhead Neighbor. And I’m sure you are all SO EXCITED!!

I’m sad to report that after 2 years of living behind me, she has decided to move. This weekend, Crackhead, Husband, and 13 year old daughter (that I had NO IDEA existed but has apparently been living there for 2 years) are moving into a nice house “like white people have.” We had a great conversation though, so I feel like she’s leaving on a good note.

Crackhead: Amy! Amy! Can I have that big box that you are carrying into your house full of stuff?

Mimi: Sure. But I’ll have to unload it all first. And that might take days.

Crackhead: That’s okay. I’ll just wait right here and watch out my front window for you.

Mimi: Are you moving?

CH: Oh yes. Amy! You are not going to believe it. Father-in-law bought us a house. (note – she calls people by their title, not their name)

Mimi: Oh wow. That was really nice of him.

CH: Oh Amy! You aren’t going to believe it. He’s rich! I met him for the first time last month and he has a really nice house. It’s like 300 million dollars, like white people have.

Mimi: You just met him for the first time? How long have you been married?

CH: 18 years. But see Amy, last weekend, the po-lice knocked on my door looking for Husband to take him to jail. And I told them that when he got home from work, I’d bring him up to jail for them. So, when Husband got home, I told him we were going to the Dollar Store, and then I took him to jail!

Mimi: So, your husband is in jail?

CH: Oh Amy, no! He was in jail over the weekend. See, he had like 5 years of unpaid parking tickets and I told him that he better get that taken care of, so I took him to jail! And then when he got out, he took me to Father-in-Laws. And Father-in-law told me that I had finally made a real man out of his son, so he was going to buy us a house! Because, you see, in 18 years, we never asked him for money, because I have a real good job, like you white people.

Mimi: (total silence with jaw on the ground)

CH: So, me and my daughter, we’re packing up.

Mimi: You have a daughter? That lives with you? In that house, right there?

CH: Yep, she’s 13, but she stays inside. She’s like me. See, I’m real slow a lot, and I have a learning…dis…um….a learning thing.

Mimi: Disability?

CH: Yes! Disability. And, I have Bi-Polo.

Mimi (Trying not to laugh….and wondering WHY IN THE HELL I continue to ask this woman questions, but then I think, this is JUST SO DANG FUNNY!): So, how’s your puppy?

CH: Oh Amy! He pees everywhere. And I keep telling Husband that we need to go to Petsmart like the white people do and get him potty trained!

Mimi: Um, yeah, so… good luck with the move! See-ya!

Boy will I miss that woman!


Beth said...

amy, did she sing the theme song 'moving on up'? she's quite upwardly mobile, heh?
i hope you don't ever get the opportunity to miss her...dad

TexPatriate said...

All I can see in my head is that woman riding around on a "bi-polo" pony.

Yes, I'm four in my head.

Julie said...

Maybe you can teach your new neighbors your real name! Unless they are just as crazy as she is! In which case, I'd come up with a different last name, too.