Somebody take the cake away from the fat kid

I have exploded over the past few weeks. I have gone from cute and pregnant to “Can somebody please help me get dressed in the morning because I can’t get my pants on.” And the funny thing is, I’ve been put on “bed rest” because my uterus is measuring small. My doctor is worried that Goose isn’t growing at the rate that he’s supposed to. Which, frankly, I think is crazy. I mean look at me! She wants me to focus all of my energy on the baby instead of work, which I told her was completely ridiculous and impossible. I had to remind her that I work at Dell. So, I’ve agreed to work from home for the next four weeks. But not in bed. I have an ultrasound next week to check on him, so I’ll keep everyone updated.

Please do not show up at my house unannounced. It might be days since I’ve had a shower, and I wouldn’t want you to see me in that condition. It could get scary.

Hump Day with Papa PMB: Eviction Notice

As I was watching the election last night, it occurred to me that our nation has a few too many "Blue States." Here are a few that we could evict until they get their act together.

1. New Mexico – I don’t really care for Old Mexico….why do we need a new one?
2. Delaware – Seriously. Have you ever met anyone from Delaware?
3. Vermont – I could live without maple syrup. And if I ever had the urge to punch a teva-wearing tree-hugger in the face, I could just go down the street to Whole Foods.
4. South Dakota – Is there any reason we have two Dakota’s?
5. New Jersey – Have you seen the commercials for “Cash 4 Gold”? Everyone on that commercial is from New Jersey. “I sent my wedding band in from my fourth marriage and got $400!!”
6. New York – Electing Hillary Clinton to the Senate should have been the last straw.
7. Rhode Island – If they get 4 electoral votes, my back yard should get 3.

Question of the Week:

Why in the world is Arkansas voting on anything to do with homosexuality? Do any gay people actually live in Arkansas? Shouldn’t they be more concerned with incest?

Helen Thatcher Thompson Beaty

Helen and James had a beautiful little girl this morning! Thatcher was born at 2:30am - 8.0 lbs, 21.5 inches.

Helen went through four straight days of intense prodromal labor (I'm going to have to look that one up). At 11pm on Sunday night, the real deal kicked in, the midwives came over, and she was born 3.5 hours later. James already wins husband of the year...he woke up this morning after they slept for a few hours and made pancakes!

Only 5 more weeks until baby #2 arrives!

Hump Day with Papa PMB

What I have learned during my wife’s 1st pregnancy (Part 1)

1. Lately when we hug, we look like two 5th graders slow dancing.

2. If my child comes out with bright red hair, a yellow jumpsuit, and huge feet, I would not be surprised at all. My wife has consumed 974 happy meals during her pregnancy.

Side note:
I don’t know if she wants our kid to have 974 toys that he can’t play with until he’s 3, per the manufacturer’s recommendation, or if she is secretly filming her own “Super Size Me”. Whatever the reason, 2.86 happy meals a day is pretty impressive.

3. Being pregnant has aged my wife about 50 years. She went from spin class and weights to senior citizen’s water aerobics twice a week.

4. I am hungry when my wife is hungry. Not before, not after, but at that exact moment.

5. My wife is more patient than I am. If that kid continuously kicked me in the ribs I would have hit him back by now.

6. If she sleeps…. we sleep.

7. If I had to go to the restroom that many times a day I would consider wearing a diaper.

8. All pregnant women should go see “Pineapple Express.” Mimi was laughing so hard that the people behind us thought she was high. They looked appalled when they realized she was pregnant.

9. My worth is based on the ice cream that I did or didn’t remember at McDonald’s.

10. “It’s not water aerobics. It’s water ballet. Get it right dumbass.”

Pet Peeves and Other Things that Annoy Me #3

Men's Navy Dockers

Your 2nd grade Sunday School class called. They want their pants back.

A Post from Papa PMB

A few months ago my wife decided to make a list of 100 things that you didn’t know about her or something like that. So I have decided to respond to Mr. or Mrs. Anonymous by making my own list of facts, thoughts and some random questions. Most of us will find this amusing, not unlike the email I sent to my wife back in 2004. Others will go get a book written by a Democrat and use it to seem intelligent. I don’t care. I don’t usually listen to anyone that is fanatical about any subject because they can’t and won’t see the other side of the argument. But here are 50 things I want to say. To my Democratic friends - don’t take this too seriously. You know I love you both. Now to the list…


1. College professors were Democrats before they were college professors. It’s a dream job for any liberal….a little work for decent pay. And I quote, “People that can’t do, teach.”
2. When did Socialist and Democrat become the same thing?
3. I wonder if the Democratic Media would overlook John McCain for having a cocaine habit.
4. If the presidential nominees switched parties, the Democrat media would not be able to stop talking about the lack of experience on the Republican side.
5. Does the City Alderman answer to the dog catcher? Will someone clear that up for me?
6. If we elect a Democrat to the White House, what is CNBC going to bitch about all day?
7. Democrats don’t like Obama either.
8. Most elections come down to one thing. If the economy is good, the incumbent party usually wins. If not, then you get a Democrat.
9. 8 years ago, Democrats didn’t like Democrats
10. 4 years ago, apparently they still didn’t.
11. President Bush did not fly either one of those planes into the Towers. I know you heard that from your highly educated college professor, but he lied.
12. Greed, not “W,” is the reason we are in the financial mess we are in right now.
13. Is it easier to get a Cole Haan or Birkenstock into your mouth?
14. I mean really, Cole Haans?
15. If I didn’t have a job I would vote Democrat too.
16. I make sure to get up every morning and work hard because I know that somewhere there is a Democrat signing someone else up for welfare…Someone’s got to pay for it.
17. Michael Moors sucks.
18. Democrats have no sense of humor.
19. Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish…wait…why would he show up when the Democrats are down the street giving fish away?
20. Seriously, ya’ll need to lighten up.
21. I know we are in a state of Crisis right now, but nothing is going to change because you put a Democrat in the White House. I would be willing to bet that it gets worse. Obama scares the hell out of people with money.
22. Does Obama really believe all the crap that comes out of his mouth?
23. Would you put your child in a car with someone that had never driven before?
24. Why don’t we start punishing the kids in school for making A’s? Damn them for working hard and trying to better themselves.
25. When you’re sitting around the coffee-shop bashing “W,” does it make you feel better about yourself?
26. If a Democrat had been elected in 2000, would that have made it all right to go to war?
27. To put out the fire it takes more than screaming at the water….think about it….
28. I hate hippies.
29. Are these two the best America has to offer? What about all those college professors that are so well educated?
30. Being lazy doesn’t entitle you to anything but getting a check from the government.
31. Cole Haans??? I stopped wearing those months ago, along with my braided belt, tight rolled Guess Jeans, and Ray Bans. Hold on a sec…I forgot to lock my BMW.
32. “W” the movie must really suck. Democrats don’t even like it.
33. My child’s initials could possibly be GWB. I think we should call him “W.”
34. I take that back. The kids at school would blame him for everything.
35. I wish everyone still gave the President respect. Not because they agree with him, but because he is the President. Those were the days, or so I’m told.
36. I wish there was a TV channel that was not bias one way or the other. I just want the facts. I don’t need your opinion.
37. Damn those smart kids. You know what we should do is give them more homework than the other kids and see if they can still keep up.
38. If you are ever in question about something, say it out load. Most of the time, if it sounds wrong, it is.
39. I hate politicians.
40. I am tired of Al Sharpton and his entire crew. Stop showing up, demanding things, jumping up and down and leaving right after the cameras are gone. You take the attention away from the problem and put it on yourself.
41. Obama will be the next president. My glass is half full. At least it’s not Hilary.
42. I’m not always right, but my wife is.
43. The only thing she doesn’t know is that she doesn’t know everything.
44. No really, if she doesn’t know the answer she makes it up.
45. I think that people forget why they support the party they choose to support. It’s all about winning, not what is best for the country.
46. Obama can’t be that smart. He is going to raise taxes on himself. No rational person would ever do that.
47. I wish Howard Dean had run again. “We’re gonna go to Texas, and Washington, and we’re gonna go to Ohio………YEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!”
48. Did that guy end up killing a bunch of people? He seemed a little crazy.
49. I love that we can agree to disagree.
50. I can’t get over the Cole Hans. Really? Cole Hans?

By the way I don’t have an editor or the time to proofread, so don’t send in your comments about my grammar or spelling. Save them. They would only fall on deaf ears.

So, I lied...What's the big deal?

My recent conversation with Mrs. Republican-of-the-Year isn’t the only political post you’ll see here at PMB. This one was too good not to pull out of the vault. The day after the election in 2004, I received this list from Will in my email. And considering that this year’s election is FAR more interesting and controversial than Bush and Kerry, I can only expect to see great things from Will on November 4, 2008.

Reasons why John Kerry lost the election (and a few questions):

1. California and New York only get 86 combined electoral votes (thank God)
2. In Kerry's last flip-flop before the election, he decided to support Bush
3. He's a DEMOCRAT
4. The American public is smarter than I thought (this does not include anyone over the Mason-Dixon line or in California)

Question #1
If John Kerry poops in Ohio does George Bush still wear a cowboy hat?

5. P-Diddy forgot to tell everyone that election day was Nov. 2nd
6. Not enough hippies in Austin to win Texas for Kerry

Question #2
If you wait two weeks to lose do you still lose?

7. His major supporters were Ben Affleck and Roger Moore (Lord, those guys suck)

Question #3
If you don't find any WMD's, but you find a bastard in a spider-hole, do you still win?

8. Refer to reason #3 once more
9. The Marketing Department @ Dell is only .0000000000000000001% of the population (again, we must thank God)
10. Marrying a billionaire doesn't qualify you for shit (except a good loan rate)
11. In a recent poll, people in Texas, Florida, and Ohio were found to be the most intelligent
12. A red-neck from Texas always kicks a Yankee's ass (The Civil War not included)

Question#4
If you made a noose out of hemp, and hung Bill Clinton with it, would Republicans support the legalization of marijuana?

13. I'm giving all credit to the fine citizens of Mississippi, and their 6 electoral votes