And you thought it was over between us.

I’m not going to lie. It crossed my mind once or twice that I could easily close this blog down and no one would notice. I would just quit. I wouldn’t have the typical stresses of blogging on my shoulders week in and week out. Not that I know what is so stressful about blogging, but you get what I’m saying. But then I think to myself: I AM NOT A QUITTER!

Wait a minute…yes I am. I quit all of the time.

4th grade cheerleading – Too cheery. Quit.
Girl Scouts – Too much kum-bah-yah. Quit.
High school band – Too dorky. Quit.
Job at Harte-Hanks – HORRIBLE. Quit.
Bootcamp – Too early. Quit.
Junior League – Too snobby. Quit.

But Pimp My Bungalow? I’ll keep going. I couldn’t come up with a good enough reason to quit. So, you’re stuck with me.

Pet Peeves and other things that annoy me #4

Andie McDowell

I don’t know what it is about this woman, but just the thought of her makes me cringe. Watching her in a movie is almost as bad as the sound of an alarm clock going off in the morning at the same time your 3 month old kid starts screaming and your neighbor’s yappy little dog decides to get all excited. I’ll even throw in the high-pitched screeching sound of the 1987 minivan that drives by every morning at 6am. It’s her voice, her acting, even the way she tries to sell me wrinkle cream. Clearly, she has wrinkles. I’m not the only one out there that has these feelings. Other people dislike her so much that they’ve created Andie McDowell hate clubs. I don’t have the guts to join. God might be watching.

A holiday isn't a holiday without a little inappro.

There’s one thing you can always count on at a Burleson family gathering - Someone is going to say something completely inappropriate. It’s just a given. And the more wine consumed, the more inappropriate. Break out the whiskey or scotch, and you’d better put on your facemask, because something very crude, rude, and completely uncalled for is going to come flying out of someone’s mouth and hit you right in the face.

At Robin’s 50th birthday weekend, it was Chip. Give the gay boy too many bloody mary’s at breakfast and he starts talking about Jake’s girlfriend’s boobs in front of the entire family in the pool. He doesn’t even like boobs!

Over Thanksgiving, it was my FIL. We were all enjoying a nice dinner that evening, sitting around the table giving thanks, and WHAM! Out of nowhere, an Obama joke flew out of Bob’s mouth that left us all sitting there with our mouths wide open and speechless…..for 0.2 seconds. And then the room broke out in laughter. I never said the inappropriateness wasn’t funny. It’s always funny. Most of the time it’s hilarious. Hilarious and completely inappropriate.

But Christmas 2008 had to top it all. It was Christmas eve and we were all settling in for a long winter’s nap. Ha! Kidding. We were actually exchanging our 5 dollar gifts and partaking in a few too many adult beverages. The last gift was a gingerbread house kit and each couple had 15 minutes to put it together. (I know this sounds very cute, like something Martha Stewart’s family does. Don’t judge.) After 15 minutes of destroying the house with nasty icing and candy, we all brought our houses in to be judged. We were admiring Chip and Noel’s (Chip’s boyfriend) cute little house when Will commented to Noel that the eave was supposed to be over the front door of the house, not the backdoor. (I think Will was just upset that our “mobile home destroyed by a tornado” came in last place.) And all of a sudden, WHAM! Noel responds with, “Well, duh Will…everyone knows we like the backdoor better!”

Ahhh…family. Gotta love ‘em and all of their inappropriateness.

Even dogs can embarrass.

Over the holidays, we took a roadtrip to visit family in Mississippi and Tennessee. Yep, a roadtrip. 12 hours each way. WITH A NEWBORN! While we were gone for 7 days, we had our dog sitter, Kay, keep the boys. She rarely has any issues, and if she does, she calls us immediately. While we were on the way back to Texas, I decided to give Kay a call to see how everything went since I hadn’t heard from her. After the following conversation took place, I have a whole new level of respect for her. And keep in mind that I had just had a baby. Weird things happen to your body.

Me: Hi Kay! Just checking on the boys. I hope everything went okay.

Kay: Everything was great! Well, except for one small incident.

Me: Uh oh. What happened?

Kay: Well….sweet little Jack got into the trash and made a mess.

Me: Oh crap. Was it all over the kitchen?

Kay: Well….no….not exactly. He got into the bathroom trash.

Me: Oh shit. How do you know it was Jack and not Cooper?

Kay: Well….he met me at the door this morning with a used maxi-pad in his mouth!

Get it out!!

Womanizer Woman-Womanizer, You're a womanizer, Oh Womanizer, Oh You're a Womanizer Baby
You You You Are
You You You Are
Womanizer, Womanizer, Womanizer

Maybe no one will notice.

Let’s pretend that I didn’t take a 2 ½ month break from blogging. Cool? There were 4 weeks of house arrest (boring), 32 hours of contractions (awful), the birth of a baby (painful) , and now 12 weeks of maternity leave (overwhelming, exhausting, stressful, hard, and wonderful, all at the same time).

But now I’m back. However, I can’t promise good material until March. That’s when I go back to work and life becomes a bit more exciting, meaning normal. Meaning ADULT CONVERSATION. My life isn’t very thrilling at the moment…sleepless nights, days without bathing, dirty diapers, the never-ending pile of laundry that doesn’t get folded, and lots of pumping. Lots and lots of pumping.

It’s hard to believe, but Grafton is already 7 weeks old on Wednesday. Time has flown by. I only have 5 weeks of maternity leave left and I’m praying that things become a bit easier before I head back to work. If they don’t, I’ll be that lady at the office that shows up late every morning covered in spit up and the unidentifiable baby shit on her shirt. I’ll be the lady with piles of coffee mugs on her desk that never get washed and start to get moldy. The lady who wears the same ugly crap every week and has the oh-so-lovely mom butt, because it’s “easy” and “comfortable.” I used to roll my eyes at “that lady” but now I see how easy it is to become her. I’ve already done a few things to avoid it at all costs. For one, I cut all of my hair off. A little drastic, but completely necessary. And no…it is NOT a mom-bob. I like to think of it as a sexy mom cut. Maybe even a MILF-do. I have also saved all of my gift cards from Christmas for a big fat shopping spree right before I go back to work. On February 25th, the sweats go in the trash and the fabulous comes out!

Oh, and I guess you probably want to see pictures of the kid on occasion. I’ll be posting those too, but along with avoiding That Lady, I’m also going to try to avoid turning PMB into Grafton’s Personal Website. Sometimes, he’s just too damn cute though. So deal with it.

Somebody take the cake away from the fat kid

I have exploded over the past few weeks. I have gone from cute and pregnant to “Can somebody please help me get dressed in the morning because I can’t get my pants on.” And the funny thing is, I’ve been put on “bed rest” because my uterus is measuring small. My doctor is worried that Goose isn’t growing at the rate that he’s supposed to. Which, frankly, I think is crazy. I mean look at me! She wants me to focus all of my energy on the baby instead of work, which I told her was completely ridiculous and impossible. I had to remind her that I work at Dell. So, I’ve agreed to work from home for the next four weeks. But not in bed. I have an ultrasound next week to check on him, so I’ll keep everyone updated.

Please do not show up at my house unannounced. It might be days since I’ve had a shower, and I wouldn’t want you to see me in that condition. It could get scary.